Sparking hope in the eyes of thousands of pizza delivery drivers everywhere, who wistfully dream that one day they’ll get ‘just the tip’ instead of… just the tip.

Those things in books, that part of the porno you skip, the very thing you’re reading right now – the story. Arguably the least interesting part of sex flicks, and ironically the driest, those narratives that drive porn really don’t work in real life. Let me explain…

When thinking about the classics, these come to mind: the awkward pizza boy stumbling into sexual situations, the beefy plumber ravaged by a raunchy housewife or even the naughty schoolgirl who just couldn’t help but get a detention.

Obviously, writing a Shakespearean level dialogue before someone gets cum on their face isn’t really feasible, but something a little more realistic might even help the industry (not that they need it, I’m just having a whinge). Let’s start with the story everyone knows; the pizza boy.

Dick in box, rosy-cheeked and completely oblivious to the fact that if he doesn’t bust and run in 3 minutes flat, he’s going to be trawling through job ads for the next two months. The pizza boy clearly doesn’t care, because his job isn’t real. But what irritates me the most, the single thing that prompted this being written, what if it were real?

Sparking hope in the eyes of thousands of pizza delivery drivers everywhere, who wistfully dream that one day they’ll get ‘just the tip’ instead of… just the tip. There’s an infinitely slim window, one requiring the gifts of both good circulation and premature ejaculation, that could possibly make this happen.

Deliveries are timed and in some cases even tracked. If your manager sees that your car, bike or bicycle have been parked out the front of your destination for 20 minutes, you’ll be sheer seconds away from being torn a new one. There’s no guarantee that risk will pay off, or if you’ll get off. It’s a foolish dream, but one that rides the line of being within the realms of possibility.

Now, let’s talk about the plumber – we’ll call him Dave.

The porno plumber Dave was called to a job, but when he arrives that ‘job’ now becomes prefixed with words like ‘hand’ and ‘blow’, from the depraved partner of the homeowner. Dave does what any sexually charged dunny diver would do, he gets to work on the pipes. When all the ‘leaks’ have eventually been ‘filled’, he realises one thing – he’s fucked, both figuratively and literally. Turns out that having sex doesn’t magically repair the hot water system that’s been playing up for two months and needs to be fixed as soon as possible. The union’s not getting you out of this one, Dave.

Turning to the most likely sexual fantasy that’s frequently brought to life in the world of porn – the dreamy detention – illustrating a generation’s worth of daddy issues.

The rulers, the naughty list, the age gap, the dominance – such a turn on for so many voyeurs out there, but utterly unsustainable for career teachers and emotionally stable students…or is it?

It seems that more and more teachers are being busted for having ‘relationships’ with their students, well in the States anyway. But here, where you have to push through a minimum of four years at uni to even be qualified as a teacher (let alone getting a job these days amirite?) – well, you’re not going to throw that away for possibly the worst sex of your life.

Not to gloss over the emotional trauma for the student, because that’s a pretty big part of why I’m calling this whole porn story concept out. It’s something that just won’t happen, or is very unlikely to happen, in real life. It’s an industry not typically associated with the term equality, pay rates differ by gender and sexual preference; even still, the search for something real or possible would be desperately refreshing in the porn game.

I’m not trying to say porn is bad or you should feel bad for watching it, I’m saying porn is dumb and no one watches it for the story.

Words by Harrison Johnstone

Twitter – @TheHJohnstone

IG – @harrisonjohnstone

Art by Kyle Caulfield

IG – @kyle.caulfield