Bangla Road, Phuket – the throbbing centre of Thai sex tourism.

We’ve all heard the stories. Full moon parties, lady boys, paddle-less ping pong and everything else Thailand’s entertainment industry has to offer.

Patong, Thailand is where I found myself after six weeks of intense travelling across Asia. And oh, how unlike anything else it was. Bangla road – the hub of Patong – is essentially what you’d imagine Las Vegas to be, if it were on LSD.

As one TripAdvisor review describes it, Bangla Road is “a place for singles or non-married persons needing love, as well as for tourists needing entertainments.”

Walking up to the main strip, little pop-up stalls are emblazoned with fluoro knitted bracelets. At first, they look enticing. But then – we have a read through. ‘Fuck me in the pussy’ and ‘Suck my dick,’ just to name a few of the classics.

After getting over my initial shock and the fact people were actually BUYING THESE, I realised nothing was out of bounds on Bangla Road.

Almost immediately after strolling onto the street, bar girls in excessively tight tees invite us to see their ‘shows.’ Most of the bars are open for the public to glance into, with stripper poles gleaming on table tops. Thai girls wink and smile at tourists, luring them into their private parties. Some of the entertainers look as though they’re barely 18 years old.

But the ping pong shows are where it’s at, and let’s face it, that’s what you’re here to read about.

I researched as much as possible to make sure I got the most bang for my buck (pun not intended). While the actual ping pong and sex shows are free, it’s compulsory to buy a drink prior to the show’s commencement. Shows can be as much as 1000BAHT ($40 AUD) or as little as 200BAHT ($8 AUD). Most bars will let you check out the vibes of the venue before you pay up. So if you’re not feeling it, you can move right along to the next place.

After walking up and down Bangla Road and being haggled by at least thirty different ‘promoters,’ we managed to nab a deal of 200BAHT per person.

Almost immediately, we were flanked by three Thai women and led down a dark alleyway. I had the unnerving feeling that ‘this is how it ends.’

Thankfully, we were soon brought to the entrance of a bar and taken to our seats. The show doesn’t start until enough people are in the room. Also, if there are any Thai men present, the show will be delayed until they leave… in case they are undercover cops.

And then the fun finally began.

The show commenced with a heterosexual couple starting the ‘fucking show’ segment. It was weird, rigid, and cold. About every 30 seconds they would change positions, but there seemed to be no enjoyment for either of the participants. No groans, moans or even remotely animated facial expressions. Hey, at least they weren’t faking it, right?

Then the more…  talented individuals took to the stage. The first girl, walked to the front of the stage, and placed a fishbowl down. To our horror she popped not one, not two, but THREE goldfish out of her vajeen and into the bowl. The worst part of it all was when she missed and the miserable goldfish flopped around on the stage helplessly * cringe * x 1000.

And no, this wasn’t the only wildlife to be put up there that glorious evening. Hamsters, turtles, mice and even a parrot suffered the wrath of being trapped within the bodily fluids of these women. Just so, so many animal cruelty violations going down on Bangla Road.

That was just the beginning. We got to find out just why it is infamously known as the ping pong show. Approximately six ping pong balls were shot out of one woman’s privates – all promptly into a fish bowl.

Bananas were inserted and then shot out of their pelvis’, which were then caught by the performers as the fruits flew into the air.

Until that night, I had no idea just how much could physically be put ‘up there’. At one point, a more gifted performer pulled out a rope no shorter than five metres, from herself. Even more alarmingly, she then pulled out a three-metre-long string, that had razor blades attached to it at ten centimetre intervals. To prove to the bamboozled crowd just how sharp they were, she then sliced some straws with the freshly harvested razor blades.

Another sight that was truly one to behold, a girl who put two lit cigarettes in her cooch. I need to stress that she managed to ‘smoke’ them with her pelvis, in about two minutes!

If you’re into magic tricks – one performer brought two Coca-Cola bottles to the stage. The first, filled with clear liquid. The second, completely empty. In slow intervals, she would lie on her back and pour the clear liquid from one into her vagina. And then, she would rotate her body, and pour it back into the second empty bottle. At the point of excretion, the liquid would turn black (like Coke). Yup, magic.

The two and a half hour show has guaranteed that I will never look at reproductive organs in quite the same way again.

While the ping pong show isn’t for the faint-hearted, it’s worth a view for some insight into Thailand’s infamous sex trade.

Needless to say, don’t try any of this at home.

Words by Mona Chatskin

IG: @mona.chatskin

Art by Qiaoze YU

IG – @auskeke