She

To say the least, she made me fucking miserable.

But, in the beginning and despite the warnings I received about her, she was just someone I wanted to be friends with. She was incredibly confident in everything she did, fierce yet funny. She never let anybody walk all over her and I often looked at her as someone I wanted to be like.

In the end she had torn me down piece by piece criticising my physical appearance, the inferiority of my chosen university course because, “you don’t need a degree to write,” and belittled my existence because, “I couldn’t keep a boy”…in high school. She played constant mind games, attempted to turn mutual friends against me and then act like it was all in my head when I asked about it.

It would take a full year, after everything, before I realised she was the definition of toxic.

It didn’t help that I had the incessant need to doubt everything I feel and do. I doubted everything she did to me, putting it down to year 12 stress. I doubted my friends who told me what she said, thinking they were looking for more drama. But most shamefully, I doubted myself and thought I was over-reacting.

But, it was one night at a mutual friend’s 18th when something inside me finally snapped. After more of her typical antics, I escaped upstairs where friends found me close to tears. I didn’t return downstairs until she had left and after being angrily yelled at by friends who had had enough of it all, I finally agreed with them.

I had to do something. But, I physically couldn’t confront her because she thrived in those moments, whereas I withered in them.

So I went home and without another thought, I gave her a massive cyber FUCK YOU and blocked her on every social media account I had. For the first few following minutes I was terrified.

What would she think? What would she do? What would she tell others about me? Had I just made things worse? I wish I could write these thoughts instantly left me and I went to sleep feeling empowered but that would be a total lie.

For a full week I imagined every single scenario: running into her at our local shopping centre and being destroyed by her vicious words or having one of her friends message me about the entire thing.

This was the power she still had over me and it was this realisation at the end of the week that frustrated me more than anything she had ever done to me.

As is everything in life though, time fixed it all. Despite my ridiculous visions, life went on, the sun rose and sunk and I began my apparently useless degree. I found myself feeling happy – happier than I had ever been because detoxing her was probably the best thing I had ever done for myself. And I knew right then and there, I would never let anybody treat me the way she did ever again.

Despite everything, I do genuinely wish her the best in whatever she pursues in life, I just don’t want to be a part of it anymore…no matter how many times you and your bestie try. So please don’t make another fake Instagram account and follow me, thanks.

Words by Steffanie Tan

IG – @steffwith2effs

Art by Cassie Stevens

IG – @soggysavoy

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