Let’s be honest, being broke is no fun. Having to give up the luxuries of a premium Pornhub subscription, banana flavoured lubricants and the newest collection of Calvin Klein lingerie is even more of a ball breaker.

So unless your dial-a-dick is wealthy AF, or on a Centrelink package, we’ve thought of some ‘captain cum quick’ tactics for you to cut corners on your ride to ‘O’ town – population you. The only disclaimer we have on your journey to becoming a masturbatory pro is that your smart, safe and stingy.

1 — Get Handy

Although your wallet may be empty you can still afford some quality alone time. Set the mood for arousal by lighting incense, two dollar shop candles or reading charity bin erotica, preferably 50 Shades of Grey. Regardless of whether you’re having a quick ‘procrasto-wank’ before pumping out an assignment or a sensual session, tailor your hand and finger techniques to your needs.

Be conscious of manicures when rubbing your genitals, in particular the clitoris. Alternate between up and down, side to side, circular movements and the amount of fingers you’re exercising. Consider your speed and intensity. Remember you’re not Usain Bolt and this isn’t a race for an orgasm. Warning, manual hand jobs can be a workout so add lubricants for increased stimulation with minimal effort.

2 — Pocket Dial

Are your morning lectures constantly ruined by amateur ‘dickpics’ from that fuck-buddy you’ve been ghosting? Yes? Well delete him immediately! Unfortunately your ‘mate’ will not reimburse an orgasm for the time wasted. However, your cheaper phone bill won’t be the only thing making you climax now. Download free vibrator applications to receive portable electronically enhanced orgasms. Although it’s a tame substitution, what student doesn’t like a freebie with no strings attached?

3 — Spin Cycle

Home alone? Down to your last sock, an overflowing basket of clothes calling your name? Why not fulfil two needs with one dirty deed? I know what your thinking. The cliche of 1950s women straddling retro washing machines on a rough spin cycle is an urban myth. Wrong! Embrace your inner Mad Men character and satisfy those urges. Save extra pennies and legal implications by avoiding laundromats and using a family member’s washing machine.

4 — Shower Power

Although unpopular during the stage three water restrictions, detachable shower heads can be a cost efficient way of masturbation. Acting like a water gun, shower heads can be adjusted and aimed at your clitoris for some wet and wild tomfoolery. For spontaneity, experiment with temperature. Test on legs first to avoid third degree genital burns, and by no means spray water into vagina openings as this could cause infection. FYI: Be cautious of your footing, no one likes explaining a sex injury.

5 — Cocks or Cucumbers?

Flinching at the thought of checking your bank account? Can’t afford a vibrator, even with a student discount, but need to scratch an itch? To be honest, anything resembling a penis can be used for penetration purposes. Although this may be cringe-worthy if you’ve just polished off a salad, the fetishised cucumber can get the ‘job’ done. Feeling intrigued? Always wash, peel and wrap before you tap with vegetables. The harder the better. Although $1.80 is a bargain, avoid juicy continental cucumbers. You’re not a porn star, purchase something achievable.

6 — Battery Powered Fun

If the exhaustion from typing up bulk lecture notes is kicking in and you want some battery powered fun to help you get through tutorials, this buzzing beauty can solve all your problems. With no feelings attached, budget vibrators are the future. Although, a low percentage may feel like your operating complex machinery. $30 vibrators are aesthetically ambiguous, designed to hit every consumer’s tastes and G-spots. While it is certainly an investment for your tight budget, who could say no to a ‘diamond studded waterproof’ vibrator? Louder than a jackhammer, with stickers warning me of potentially burning my clitoris off, I still was not deterred.

Words by Chloe Hardcock