A few Esperanto issues ago, Jess Bong declared she was saving herself for marriage.
She’s now married and has since, you know… had sex.
We quizzed her on her first time, her expectations and whether or not her views have changed since doing the deed.
Q: What was your first time like?
Clumsy! Completely clumsy. He and I had no idea what we were doing. Sex is hard!
I thought I knew going in, what to expect, but it’s completely different in real life than it is in your thoughts. At least it is when you’re completely inexperienced.
What my head sounded like:
“Where’s the hole?”
“Oh there it is.”
“OH MY GOODNESS STOP, NOT SO FAST!”
“Ok…okay…this is cool….oh no nope.”
“I don’t think I’m going to finish any time soon.”
“Is it still sex if I don’t finish?”
I was really confused the next day and thought there was something wrong with me. But, as confused as we were, there was a sweetness to it. I don’t know how to explain it. A quietness afterwards, a sense of happiness with the state of us.
Q: Did it meet your expectations, or ‘sexpectations’?
As I might have alluded to it, above – no. It didn’t.
I’m the kind of person who rarely has expectations though. Expectations, when unnecessary, tend to lead to disappointment. But I knew that sex is more often than not, pretty great, and so that became a loose expectation. I expected it to be easy, I thought it’d be instinctual and animal. Sex, it turns out, is not always like that, especially when nerves are involved and inexperience gets in the way of truly achieving what you want it to achieve.
Q: Have your views towards sex changed?
My view of sex, and its role in a relationship has not changed. Growing up, this was a point of analysis for me. I wanted to understand sex from an emotional and psychological standpoint. I concluded after a few years that relationships need to have a solid foundation first, and sex should be something that follows that. Not the other way around. There is a lesser emotional toll for you and the relationship continues long after the sex stops being steamy.
By the way — this is not a view I express freely, because I believe it’s just as much your right, as it is mine, to own our own views.
So in that sense, my view has not changed one bit. My understanding has, however—ten fold…
Q: Do you think waiting makes sex more intimate and special?
As much as it is lame to say—yes, I think it does. Intimacy comes from vulnerability, no? The ability to be completely strip bare comes with complete trust, and that, my friends, comes with time (AKA waiting).
I didn’t understand this until I got married. It was odd — as I drove away from my wedding venue late at night, a sense of quiet drew over me. I really realised that this was the man I had chosen to die with—that’s intense! So in that sense marriage makes sex with THAT one person more special, rather than just sex itself.
Q: Was it difficult for you both to wait?
It wasn’t difficult! Sure there were occasions we just wanted to go for it, but when you both want the same thing and are in sync then you ‘fight’ for the same cause.
Because I understood the reasoning behind waiting instead of blindly following—I didn’t have pent up sexual aggression brimming inside of me, itching to get out (apologies for the colourful statement, I mean it 80% respectfully, 20% humorously).
Q: Do you ever get judgement when you tell people you waited for marriage? What do they say?
Sure do! Low key—I reckon I’m going to get some judgement (albeit passive) with this interview.
There’s a stereotype attached to Christians who wait for marriage, unfortunately. Thankfully it’s not so much Flanders level anymore, but it’s sort of a ‘you’re not normal’ type thing. People instantly think you think you’re better than them; they think you’re going to judge them, and they close up a tad bit.
Sex is sensitive, so people lash out a bit. They even stop swearing…so it’s hard sometimes. It’s hard when your authentic self stops someone else from being their authentic self, even though they don’t need to stop being who they are.
Q: After having done it yourself, would you recommend for others to save themselves for marriage?
I do, and that’s all I can do. I recommend it if you are thinking about it, but only once you’ve understood the reasons behind waiting.
Always be authentic to yourself and your beliefs. Question everything until you find peace in your decisions. Even if you decide not to wait for marriage.
Be intentional and don’t live a life that just flows with the status quo.
P.S Referring to the first question. Yes, I’ve learnt, it is still sex even if you don’t finish. You can both still experience the pleasure of sex without finishing. Sex is sex, it’s not an orgasm. (But orgasms are great too 😉 )
By Hannah Clifton