Words by Ruby Ellam
Art by Kadee Fang

Astrology and self-care are the interchangeable top priorities of millennial, middle-class women today. As one of those new-age witches of Instagram and a rampant Aries, I’m here to let you know how the stars want you to relax and how to pamper yourself at your nearest convenience. And before any guys with tiny beanies and poorly maintained beards call me out because it’s “not real”, I’ve faked all my orgasms and you never seemed to notice. So be a friend and swallow a little bullshit for my enjoyment. 

ARIES

Okay, let’s start on a  personal note. Aries, we both know that self-care spirals into competitive drinking within a tight 15 minutes given the right situation. It’s important to redirect those energies. Stop yelling, or having impulse sex, or starting a new project at 2am. Take a bath with a joint in one hand and a vibrator in the other—keep on multitasking, baby.

TAURUS

One of my best friends is an archetypical Taurus and the goddamn king of hobbies. Baking is off the table because you’ve already mastered it and are giving passive aggressive advice to Linda about her subpar eclairs. Go on a date with your boo, go out with friends, go on Grindr… stop fretting over your perfectly adequate macarons. 

GEMINI

It’s become a trend to hate you, and I’ll admit I was like the others until I discovered I have a Gemini rising… All you need is a hug—and to stop being idiots. Don’t stop going to therapy or taking those meds because you are so close to being forgiven for your astrological sins.

CANCER

You are the romantic core of this whole dang celestial web and while I love you for it, self-care could start with not falling in love with everybody constantly. Delete Bumble for a hot minute and redirect your emotional sincerity into knitting a scarf for mum or writing a letter to a close friend. 

LEO

Leos are the backbone of every good party so I’d prefer it if you chose to relax on weeknights. Y’all tend to be quite good at self-care because phasers are always set to self, however, I do encourage Leos to stop using retail therapy. Constantly spending may be cathartic at times, though narcissism won’t pay the bills.

VIRGO

Stop being people-pleasers and try being truthful about your feelings instead of shutting them down. Be more open with those around you.  

LIBRA

I have a recurring theme of falling in love with Libras that have literally 0 romantic or sexual interest in me, so I must recommend that you take me on a date as a way to relax.  I know that you guys hate confrontation and Aries are super loud but I really like you. And I’m aware that it’s difficult because we run in the same circles and a breakup could affect more than just us, but I’m ready to take the chance for you. Please text back.

SCORPIO

You don’t get to relax, step that pussy up you goddamn snake.

SAGITTARIUS

I love all of you, so my advice is simple, keep doing you. Whatever selfcare routine you have keep it up. Do whatever you need. Maybe just clean your room.

CAPRICORN

Every Capricorn I know is that bitch. But I encourage you to calm down. You have a good 60 years to finish those goals my loves, so it’s okay to sleep in or take a breather. Read a book or enjoy the sunshine. 

AQUARIUS

It would be freeing for the Aquarians of the world to take some responsibility in their lives. Impulse decision to move to China for seven months? Seems reasonable. Don’t miss me too much, you big doofus.

PISCES

Pisces, I’m gonna keep it real chief—your life is everyone else’s self-care. Crying, writing poetry, romantic bubble baths to seduce yourself… I’m going to recommend that you stop being such a pushover. You are the astrological equivalent of Shelley Duvall in The Shining.  I’m Jack Nicholson and I’m coming for you. 

I can already sense some criticism—Ruby! You made this all about you! How can I, a dumb, stupid Scorpio read anything into this except your personal bias? And to that I say…eh, I’m an Aries, what did you expect?