Words by: Aarthi Aryasinha
Art by: Kenneth Toh

A part of me will always be shocked.
There was a version of me that never believed I was desirable enough. That I was enough for someone to want me in the way that you have all wanted me. To that I now say: well, no f*cking sh*t you would.

In saying that, though, I still can’t believe that it happened. Multiple times. With multiple men (Sorry, Mum and Dad). I also can’t believe the multiple stories that came with it. The things I had to handle. The things I learned from. The things that hurt me. The things that broke me.

I think my sexual experience thus far has been an interesting one. You were all a part of that. Whether it was good,bad, or somewhere in between. Whether it was awkward, whether we laughed, or whether it was dead silent. There are parts of sex that weren’t what I imagined they would be, yet I’m still grateful that I had these opportunities to discover more about myself. Granted, with those opportunities came a lot of hurt and pain, but also an understanding. Understanding what I stand for in myself. Because I just want to be myself. And to do that, I must accept my needs. Whether another person can meet them is up to them. 

In saying that, if I had to do a pro and con list of the sex I’ve had:

Pro: I’ve been taught some fun things. 

Con: None of it was ever good enough.

Because through it all, I’ve learned I can never be that person who goes out, meets a guy at a bar, goes back to his place and has great, romance-movie-type sex.

Even though I wanted to be that kind of person my whole life, someone who has these romance-movie-sex stories, I’ve realised it’s because I was ashamed to be the person I am — someone who wants a relationship and love as much as I do. 

I’ve now come to the realisation that all of that is great. Most of you were great in your own ways. Some of you not at all, if we’re keeping it real. And some of you were, in all honesty, quite odd. I’m sure in the future this letter will apply to a mixture of men as well.  And, in the end, it was all great because it taught me who and what I want. I had to explore you all to experience it all.

I’ve also realised that there is nothing more sensual and lovely than feeling the physical and mental presence of someone. Like, a hundred percent of someone. All at once. That feeling — it feels like your souls are connecting. 

I don’t think that last bit has really applied to anyone in my life so far, even though I wished and thought that it would have by now. For a long time, I never realised that although I can mentally convince myself of love, I don’t have the power to convince my body of it. The way we feel in our most vulnerable state, it’s something my mind and body must agree upon.  And while they’re yet to for me at least now, I’ll know the difference.

I get that hookup culture can get in your head. Dating culture now isn’t what dating culture used to be; it can’t be. We must accept that for the good and the bad it entails. But that other culture still exists. It’s just a bit more difficult to find.

We can’t hold up signs — hey, I’m trying to find love. Because, as much as that might help, I think for a version of romantics, love is never going to come that structured or planned. And personally, if it did, it wouldn’t feel the way I’d want it to feel. Maybe that means my standards are unrealistic. But a more approachable way of looking at it is:

I would never want to sacrifice my dreams of love just because I think it’s hard to find. It’s hard because on the way from finding to being found, it may get a little chaotic. So yeah, it’s hard, but I figure.

One: I can do hard things. You boys can vouch for that. 

Two: I’ve got a lot of time to do them.

So no, none of you were what I wanted, but you trained my internal love compass. I’m not scared to admit that I didn’t always have the best one. But at the end of the day, at least I know now what I want. Even if it’s a little further away from the present day than I’d like. I’ll take it with my arms wide open when it comes.

Not yours, but mine, 

Aarthi