Sticky Situations

Words by Courtney Cunningham
Art by Amanda Jambu

Have you ever leaned over to grab your bottle of lube, only to realise it was empty? Cue gasps and instant panic.

Fear not, we’re going to give you the rundown of what you can and can’t use as lube, straight from your very own kitchen. Sorry Mum!

You pull open your fridge and the first two items you see are the butter and the margarine. First thing’s first, say no to animal products. Butter contains animal proteins which rot pretty quickly. If you’re one of those rare people who have lard in your fridge next to the butter, don’t go there either. Margarine, on the other hand, is totally safe to use. It’s basically vegetable oil with water, salt, and some extras. Whilst it’s highly unlikely to cause irritation, please be careful — it won’t do any good when paired with latex condoms.

Next shelf up and your eyes catch the yoghurt. As long as it’s natural and plain with no sugar (we’re talking none of the flavoured kind), you’re good to go. Funnily enough, it actually helps fight off yeast infections too, so it’s a win- win! Anything containing sugar, such as jams and syrups, should stay clear and far away from down below. Sugar can cause yeast infections, and syrups would just be a downright sticky mess.

Your hand passes the eggs and mayonnaise and you stop to think. Well, let us do the thinking for you. Keep on rolling. I mean, if you’re extremely desperate, maybe, but any oral fun is not recommended unless you’re after salmonella poisoning. Mayo contains egg yolks which go bad hellishly fast, not to mention smell rank. If I were you, I’d keep moving.

In the side of your fridge sits the aloe vera gel you use every time you don’t listen to your mother. If you have this bad boy lying around, you’ve hit the jackpot. As long as it’s 100% aloe vera, it won’t damage the condom by breaking the latex down. It’s also very gentle, albeit a bit cold. Out of all the items mentioned, it’s your safest bet.

Turning to reassure your partner you’re coming back soon, your eye catches something in the pantry; the oils. Unflavoured plant-based oils are another safe alternative (unless they’re out of date) to use around your genitals. Again, keep in mind they’re not the best when used hand in hand with latex condoms.

Back to the fridge, you spot the tahini you bought for that time you decided you’d make hummus (which never happened by the way). Simply ground up sesame seeds soaked in water, this ingredient is another safe lube option.

At last, you reach far back into the fridge and your hand reaches a cold glass jar. Hurray! You’ve grabbed the coconut oil. Like the plain yogurt, this little morsel can fight off yeast infections and it’s easy to use as lube as
it melts quickly. It might smell like heaven but disclaimer: it too will damage the condom.

Now go on, rush back to the bedroom to continue your fun!

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