Words by: Anonymous Art by: Martina Fenech
It was Valentine’s Day. A friend and I ended up in quite the ideal situation while we were out. A cute young man approached me and we kicked things off. Handsome, English and only in Melbourne for one night — could the odds be any more perfect? To top it off, there ended up being two of them! My friend and I claim an English man each and head back to their shared Airbnb.
How could we turn down these charming English gentlemen and the added bonus of doing the walk of shame as a pair? After a quick pep talk and a deadline of 4am, we set off to the rooms with our respective men and made the most of the situation.
The events of this peculiar night have been recorded from all four perspectives. Each person was interviewed separately and do not know each other’s answers.
“Did you expect the night to end in a one night stand?”
F– Uhh maybe. Hey it was Valentine’s day and I was so very single.
M– Nope, I always expect the worst and hope for the best.
F– Fuck no.
M– Sort of.
“Was the other person your usual type?”
F– Yeah I’d say so.
M– Type means nothing 16 drinks into a night out.
F– Not really. Height yes, but features no.
“What attracted you to the other person?”
F– Well he was very cute, well-dressed and tall. Also his English accent was quite sexy.
M– Good chats and looks.
F– Ummm hahahaha… he was keen?
M– Looked like someone famous.
“Who initiated it and how?”
F– He asked if I had a lighter he could borrow, a classic move.
M– Most likely I initiated it because I’m a minx, but I cannot remember.
F– I can’t remember. I’m pretty sure I started talking to him and it just escalated.
M– Me, she was speaking to my mates and I came over.
“Did you/they stay the night? Did you want to?”
F– It was at his Airbnb and no, but he did offer. I had to get up early for work so I left.
M– Nope sadly not, I passed out. Would have liked to.
F– I did not spend the night, but I wouldn’t have minded. My friend wanted to leave.
M– No and no.
“Any specifically memorable or notable events?”
F– He passed out so quickly, before I even got my clothes back on. He said ‘shag’ during sex. I also had a cut on my leg that I didn’t notice was bleeding until we were in the Uber. Oops.
M– Yes. Blood on the sheets, a hole in the wall and a $300 Airbnb fine to go with it.
F– Well, firstly we broke a wall in the club and security yelled at us. Secondly, he said ‘spunk’ during sex and it was a piss up.
M– It was very dark and a friend walked in.
“Did you finish? Did the other person?”
F– I did not. He did, twice.
M– Most likely I did finish many times, I wouldn’t know about the other person.
F– No, I did not. Yes, he did in fact spunk.
M– Yes and probs.
F– Not really, it was quite a funny night which I will not be forgetting anytime soon. M– No regrets.
M– No, unreal night.
“Did you keep in contact with the other person?”
F– Well he did take my Snapchat, and he sent me a few random snaps here and there.
M– Yes, because she wanted to ask me all these questions, a bit like TripAdvisor.
F– No, I yeeted.
“Would you take the relationship further?”
F– Well I honestly don’t really know his personality… But I doubt we’d take it further than sex.
F– No, it was just a one time thing.
“How was the sex/10?”
M– Pretty high. 8 or 9/10.
“Would you do it again?”
F– Yeah nah… Actually maybe if he was less drunk and I was more drunk.
M– Yes, I would do it again.
F– No, uhhhhh maybe I don’t know.
M– Not the sex, [going out] with my mates yes.