Words by Steffanie Tan Art by Nicole Sizer
It’s been a fair few months since Same Sex Marriage was legalised in Australia and just as the ever so wise No-Voters predicted, the country has gone to the absolute shitters.
Burning meteors have thrashed the cities – especially the inner city cafes charging five bucks for a bloody latte. The roads are clear, nobody dares to walk their biblical donkey down the street now that every single “hello” and “g’day mate” are possible saucy hit-ons by a same-sex friend who could now potentially be a gay or lesbian person infected by the sickening disease called LOVE.
Core values at schools are being twisted, children are learning how to accept one another for who they are and soon thousands of decent human beings will roam the country. But, it gets worse; a Queensland high-school recently allowed girls to wear pants instead of dresses to class so now they’re all definitely lesbians. The only real and true “safe-spaces” are the sacred churches untouched by corruption, paedophiles and judgement. Wait…I forgot to mention free from hypocrisy too.
Everyday reports another catastrophic event and only time will tell how soon the earth will rip open and Satan will come crawling out to damn us all to hell. But, not before stopping by Yah Yah’s for Thursgay ‘cos only the devil would dance the night away to Cher with all His followers. And the gay couples – the No-Voters are terrified of them. They say they prance around the city flaunting their disgusting love arm in arm with the totally legit APEX gang. What has this country become?
Peter Dutton was right when he said Melbournians are too terrified to eat out for dinner. Just this weekend I was enjoying a night out when this army of queer people formed a line, linked arms and screamed “Watch Queer Eye on Netflix, it’s actually really amazing” before charging at the handful of heterosexual and horribly persecuted people left in the city and throwing rainbow glitter at all in their path.
Those wholesome family-value voters are completely overwhelmed by it all. They can’t understand how the sanctity of marriage could be so ruined. They absolutely pedestal it, you know? And now they’re left in the dark as to how something so precious could suddenly be so cheapened. Didn’t anybody learn anything from all those reality TV shows where people get married and stuff – it’s a pure sacred bond not to be messed with.
Oh but wait a minute, none of this bullshit end-of-the-world-gay-agenda-riots actually happened because surprise, surprise letting two people of the same gender marry for love is not the synopsis of the film 2012.
Shockingly, the world just kept on going, a concept lost on many. And unless climate change is God’s work, in which case conservatives might actually believe climate change is a thing, then the world has not been wiped out by a giant flood.
So, say your prayers and clutch your crosses to your chests because the sun will still rise tomorrow, hot cross buns will come streaming out for Easter and you will find something else to complain about.
Until then, grow the fuck up.
There are worse things to fight in life than love. Like say Cardinal George Pell, who probably won’t be serving up a sermon this Easter. Catch him at the Magistrates Court if you really need a blessing.