Words by: Anthea Bernabé Witoelar
Art by: Mellyn Sun

I hope this letter finds you well.

As I know you value honesty, let me be clear: I hold a lot of resentment towards you.

I think back to my 17-year-old self and wish I could hold her and tell her everything she did was okay. She was young and made mistakes that would teach her to grow. I wish I could go back and talk to you, too. Confront all the pain you caused me, and put myself first over all the unwavering love that I had for you.

I think back to your words and how you would tell me I’m so loving and caring, and then you’d proceed to scream that I’m a liar and selfish. I could feel like I was on cloud nine while simultaneously never feeling good enough for you. That ripped me apart from the inside out.

When we graduated, I felt relieved that I would never see you again, not because I wouldn’t miss you, but because disappointing someone from a distance presented me with an escape. I talked to my friends for the first time, and tears came to my eyes. The love I craved from you was masked by the shame and insecurity you projected. I was always going to feel like somewhat of a charity case, and your friends confirmed that.

You never chose me. It was always me against your world, your friends, your life. 

Yet you wanted to be best friends during university.

Bullshit.

The worst part is that no matter how much pain you have caused me, I recognise that you were young too. You chose to put yourself first. I just wish I were given the same grace. 

When I finally started to do so, you returned, waiting for me to be at your beck and call. Yet I’d experienced clarity for the first time. It would never be you and me against the world at all odds, as I wasn’t yours to call.

Every day, I am so thankful I never subscribed to your show. I am grateful that I moved here and am experiencing a life you are no longer a part of. I can be me without hearing your constant muttering that I’m not acting like myself.

I’ve made beautiful friends. You wouldn’t like them, but then again, you never like my friends anyway. I’m doing things I’m passionate about that I know you would disapprove of. I am putting myself first for the first time in a long time. I am no longer the same person you were in love with, and for that, I am forever grateful.

My life has grown, so you no longer fit in it. One year ago, I would have cried about that. But as I sit here on my couch writing this, I can cry tears of joy and give myself the love and admiration that I always deserve, regardless of what you, your friends, or your family will say.

Thank you for showing me the growth I can achieve when surrounded by the love and positive support you couldn’t provide.

I wish you the best in life. I will always support you from a distance. When I see your LinkedIn posts, I smile a little. Yet I will never let you run me down again.

Thank you for being my first love; for that, I am forever grateful. Despite it all, I can’t wait to see what the future holds for both of us.

Take care,

Anthea