Words by: Ash Dowling 
Art by: Jen Chen

As a law student, I’ve gotten pretty intimate with the affirmative consent laws that came into effect in Victoria in July last year. They require a person to actively take steps, through words or actions, to obtain the affirmative consent of the other person, which means willingness and permission, rather than a mere lack of protestation.

Sorry — talking about law reform is probably a turn-off, but asking your sexual partner for consent shouldn’t have the same effect.

So, let’s explore some phrases that can facilitate positive consent without subverting the positive hormones. “Does that sound good?”

Remember, consent can be withdrawn at any point, so it requires ongoing communication.

“Are you still enjoying this?”

And consent for one sexual act is not consent for another.

“Are you okay if we go here now?”

YES, consent is relevant for any sexual act or experience — even kissing (sorry Prince Phillip from ‘Sleeping Beauty’). It is relevant for both one-night stands and within marriages. I might take this opportunity to share that I am personally in a long-term relationship where we haven’t had sex yet, for reasons related to our faith, and I have seen that there is just as much need for consent in our circumstances, with regard to other sexual interactions.

As we’ve figured out our boundaries, consent has evolved throughout the course of our relationship, requiring regular check-ins. In the same way, preferences change (I mean, as a child, I didn’t like Tim Tams?!), so even if you feel like you know your partner inside out, keep the communication lines wide open.

Without any further playing around, let’s get stuck into some handy phrases — drawn both from my own personal experience (noting that I have exposed myself above as having somewhat limited experience) as well as from a big, long internet deep-dive.

Being a writer, I do love to describe things: “Do you like it when [insert]?”

And as a Type A personality, I am always striving to improve:

“Could I make you feel any better right now?”

Maybe you are more of a kinaesthetic learner: “Can you show me what you want me to do to you right now?”

Boom — you can learn a new skill and consent is inherent. Maybe you want to try a compliment-consent sandwich: “I love when you [insert]. Do you enjoy that being done to you?”

Or if you want something spicier than a sandwich: “Describe your fantasy to me.”

My fantasy: a world where everyone honours one another’s boundaries and ensures to always act with rock-solid consent.

I wanted to finish by saying that maybe there will be a time that asking for consent does break the flow. But it is always better to push through some awkwardness rather than one party feeling uncomfortable or unsafe. The feeling of awkwardness is fleeting but feeling disrespected or violated can have lasting impacts on a person. So never regret asking, just try to slip it in more smoothly next time.