Words by: Esperanto Team
Sexologist: Chantelle Otten

Chantelle Otten is the sex therapist of sex therapists. Based here in Melbourne but globally renowned, Chantelle’s passion is to help people feel free and confident in their sensual selves. She is an award-winning sexologist, a published author and a Sexual Health and Wellness ambassador for Lovehoney and Bumble. Chantelle is all about making sex ed sexy through her practice as a sex therapist, short explainers on Instagram, her podcast ‘Give Me A Buzz’ and much more.

For this year’s Sex Edition, Chantelle teamed up with us here at Espy and answered all your burning questions. Here are some of the things she told us:

Do you have any tips for going down on someone with a vulva?

C.O — When going down on a vulva owner, focus on communication and responsiveness to their needs. Start slowly and build up intensity based on their reactions. Use a combination of tongue movements and gentle suction, paying attention to the clitoris as well as other sensitive areas. Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback or listen to their cues to understand what feels best for them. Consistency and patience are key — take your time to ensure they feel relaxed and fully enjoy the experience.

What is ‘aftercare’, and why is it important?

C.O — Aftercare refers to the period of care and attention given to each other after sexual activity, particularly following more intense or BDSM experiences. It involves comforting and nurturing behaviours like cuddling, gentle conversation, or providing water and snacks.

Aftercare is important because it helps partners reconnect, process the experience, and ensure both feel safe and valued. It’s a way to foster emotional intimacy and support each other’s well-being.

How do you deal with anxiety over if you will orgasm?

C.O — Dealing with anxiety about orgasming involves shifting your focus from performance to pleasure. Embrace the journey rather than fixating on the outcome. Communicate openly with your partner about your feelings and reassure yourself that it’s okay not to orgasm every time.

Practising mindfulness and relaxation techniques can help reduce stress and enhance your sexual experience. Remember, sex is about connection and enjoyment, not just reaching a climax.

What are some things you can do to ‘wake up’ your libido after it’s been low?

C.O — To ‘wake up’ your libido after it’s been low, start by addressing any underlying stress, relational, personal or health issues that might be affecting your desire. Focus on self-care activities that make you feel good, such as exercise, adequate sleep, and a balanced diet. Reconnect with your body through mindfulness or sensual touch without the pressure of immediate sex. Communication with your partner about your needs and taking things slowly can also help reignite your sexual desire.

How do you communicate your needs and boundaries in bed with someone you may not know intimately yet?

C.O — Communicating your needs and boundaries in bed with someone you don’t know intimately yet is crucial for a positive experience.

Start with open and honest conversations about your preferences and limits before things get heated. For example, you could say, “I really enjoy slow, gentle touches and lots of kissing. I’m not comfortable with anything too rough, and I prefer to avoid certain positions.”

C.O — Use clear and direct language to express what you enjoy and what you’re uncomfortable with. Listening is just as important — encourage your partner to share their needs and boundaries too by asking, “What do you enjoy most, and is there anything you’re not comfortable with?” Establishing mutual respect and consent ensures a safe and enjoyable encounter for both of you.

What are your best quick tips for increasing female pleasure?

C.O — Increasing vulva owner pleasure can be achieved through several key practices.

Prioritise foreplay to build arousal and ensure adequate lubrication; remember that foreplay can start long before you’re in bed, even as early as the last sex session ends. Sending hot text messages and flirting throughout the day can keep the anticipation building and let your partner know you’re thinking of them.

Once you’re together, focus on stimulating the clitoris, as it has a high concentration of nerve endings. Experiment with different positions and techniques to find what feels best. Communicate openly with your partner about what you enjoy and guide them as needed. Using toys or incorporating sensual massages can also enhance pleasure.

What can I do if my partner can’t ’make’ me orgasm?

C.O — If your partner can’t ‘make’ you orgasm, remember that orgasm is a collaborative effort and not solely their responsibility. Communicate openly about what feels good and guide them with feedback. Consider exploring solo play to understand your body better and discover what helps you reach climax. Incorporate these insights into your shared experiences. Focus on enjoying the journey and the intimacy you share, rather than solely on the goal of orgasm.

We had someone ask if you can get STIs from blowjobs, what should people know about STIs and how they can protect themselves?

C.O — Yes, you can get STIs from blowjobs. Oral sex can transmit infections like herpes, gonorrhoea, chlamydia, and HPV. To protect yourself, use barriers such as condoms or dental dams during oral sex, not just penetrative sex. Regular STI testing and open communication with your partner about sexual health are also crucial. Practising good hygiene and avoiding oral sex if you have any cuts or sores in your mouth can help reduce the risk of transmission.

Do you have any tips for feeling confident when giving a blow job?

C.O — Feeling confident when giving a blowjob starts with communication and comfort. Talk to your partner about what they enjoy and ask for feedback to ensure you’re on the right track. Focus on what makes you feel good about the experience, whether it’s their reactions or your own enjoyment. Practising different techniques can boost your confidence — experiment with speed, pressure, and movements to find what works best for both of you. Remember, confidence comes from knowing that you’re both having a good time.