Words by: Ilana Cohen
Art by: Dora Chung

It has been one hell of a year. Without getting too Carrie Bradshaw on you, I’ll tell you how my sex life was impacted, and how my partner and I were brought closer together because of it.

A lot of things can impact one’s sex life. Grief being one of them. recently lost someone close to me, someone I spent a lot of time with and who welcomed me into their life amidst a terminal diagnosis. To add to the heartbreak, she was my partner’s sister. He experienced a loss and pain can’t even imagine. Because of that, my relationship felt stagnant at times, and at others, couldn’t have been more enthralling.

I should preface this by saying, I consider myself and my partner as having a healthy and exciting relationship with sex. But what about in times of grief, when the last thing in the world you want to do is get hot and heavy? Yeah, maybe a kiss and a cuddle, but so PG that even a toddler wouldn’t point.

In the absence of sex, I have found that emotional intimacy comes in many forms. Building on the connection we have has helped me feel safe and comfortable around him and has taught me the ways he wants to be supported.

One night, just before going to bed, I forced my partner to see my super serious journalistic side and we sleepily talked about the ways we build our emotional intimacy. Here are some of the things we came up with that keep our flame alive without sex.

36 Questions to Fall in Love

Early on in our relationship, I asked my partner if we could do an activity, and with no details he agreed. What followed was an emotional and vulnerable conversation about love, ourselves, our fears and so much more. It opened up the space and set the tone for how we would build our relationship together. We used a questionnaire from ‘The New York Times’ called “36 Questions to Fall in Love”, but just Google it and any list will do.

Doing the Crossword and Other Brain Games

On the theme of the ‘NYT’, we started solving crossword puzzles together quite frequently. I’m obsessed with them, and you’d think doing them literally everyday would make me better. Alas it has not. We bought the ‘NYT’s “Simple Easy Crossword Puzzles” and continue to face mockery from that book all the time. This activity lets us share the knowledge we have and allows me to explain some of the clues that only make sense from my American point of view.

Reading Out Loud to Each Other

I hadn’t realised this when we started dating, but my partner has never read one of my favourite book series. So now, we take turns reading a chapter aloud to each other — Sometimes in a hammock on a picnic, sometimes on the grass by a river, sometimes in bed before lights out. If you love the sound of your S.O’s voice, this is a FANTASTIC thing to do together. The sultry, understated, Australian accent he reads in makes me want to hire him as an audiobook narrator.

Talking About the Future

You know that TikTok of the girl saying “I’d love to go with the flow, but what time does the flow start?”? Yeah, that’s me. So planning for the future, our future, is a no-brainer to me. We fantasise about taking trips together and buying a home together. One time I literally pulled him aside at a festival and showed him my Pinterest board and we talked about what we both like and want in our forever home. We’re always sharing ideas of what we think would make a home homely. I can learn more about his passion for engineering and sustainability and he can learn about my desire for a home akin to Otis’ in ‘Sex Education’.

Exploring Each Other’s Interests

I’m outdoorsy, but mostly when it comes to keeping both my feet on the ground. So when I met my partner I quickly realised that not only was biking in my future, bike-packing was too. We’ve done little teaserbikepacking expeditions — a day here and there — but I’m still training for the big one. In turn, he’s dabbled in my myriad of crafting hobbies, including painting and DIY-ing all my furniture.

There are so many more ways we express intimacy outside of the bedroom, and with each one we continue to strengthen our relationship.