Words by: Ruby Ellam Art by: Hayley Maree
Dear Valiant and Noble Leader,
I write to you today in a flurry of tears. It is with my deepest regret, that I must abandon my post, and respectfully and woefully step down from the minimum wage retail job that you kindly gifted me so long ago.
Despite your best efforts to influence my attitude towards indifference and incompetence, I have remained too headstrong to break completely. This is no fault of your own! You did indeed endeavour endlessly to demean both me and others into submission, and your consistency was a marvel to behold! Before meeting you, I’ve never been so close to snapping before, and I’ve met my fair share of tyrants, so you should be proud of your efforts. Unfortunately, due to my own shortcomings — for example, my inability to relinquish my soul — I will never be a suitable candidate for the team you desperately need.
I want to specifically commend your work-life balance. I’ve never been able to manage my own sexual needs while in a workplace environment without bordering on inappropriate behaviour, but the way you remain professional while still humiliating young workers and eating your upper management’s ass, would make skilled perverts envious. Being middle-aged in middle management, I’m sure it’s hard to keep your small and mighty dick hard. But I’m glad you’ve found a safe haven in the sadistic way you treat those who report to you, while simultaneously happily scoffing down your own superior’s faecal matter with the voracity of a starved man. Talk about versatility!
Speaking of the humiliated: thank you for reminding me how low on the totem pole I am! Despite the fact that I was given much more responsibility than my coworkers due to my work ethic and competence, I’m grateful to have not received a title, compensation or simple acknowledgment of any effort! It really put me in my place. Admittedly, this was just a casual job to pay my rent and provide some variety on my resume, but it never should have been a source of happiness, security or self esteem — what was I thinking? A job you enjoy is not worth doing!
Really I shouldn’t have been compensated at all, instead doing it for the love of low-income retail. Unfortunately, not being compensated is against the law (boo!), so I respect your decision to pay me just enough to appease the tyrannical workers rights union. Dirty socialists! Don’t they understand that you only make a few million a year? And sure, the people on the floor are the ones making that money, but really, it’s the pure brilliance of management arbitrarily changing non-important things that gets the real coin. In fact you should get even more money! Add a few more bonuses onto your paycheck — take it out of mine if needed.
Finally I want to thank you for this invaluable opportunity. I have learnt next to nothing about the job itself (my own incompetence, I’m sure!), but I have learnt the irreplaceable skill of surviving a hellish job with no incentives. I have discovered my limit, and I will be sure to leave a similar job much sooner than I endured here. I’m certain you won’t remember me, despite all my best efforts to contribute to a happy and functional work environment, and I will be replaced by the next stooge who will go through the same seven layers of hell I did before realising that a swift “fuck you” and exit will fix all their problems. So in that case,
P.S. I’m reporting you to OH&S for the rats.