Lights Off, Please

Writer: Angel Tully
Artist: Stephanie Wong

Imagine this: you and your partner are in the moment, you’re kissing, hands are all over the place, the mood is intensifying, you’re both getting hot and sweaty, they pull you on top of them and suddenly a switch flicks… do I look like I have a double chin from this angle? We have all been there, whether it’s a double chin, stomach rolls, an embarrassing sex noise or maybe even the classic case of feeling a bit unco. Feeling self-conscious is natural, but we don’t have to let it get into our heads or stop us from getting and giving head. Here are my top tips for feeling hot in the bedroom, and leaving those insecurities on the floor with the clothes you just took off. 

  1. IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED…

Whilst you’re getting down to business and you’re busy worrying if your partner can see your asshole (thanks a lot for that one, Chrissy Teigen), they are 100% only focussing on how good it feels and how sexy you look. Don’t believe me? How many times have you slept with someone and, mid-act, actually stopped to judge them for completely normal and natural parts of their body? Have you ever been laying there and thought, “wow, they look like they have a double chin right now”, or “ew, that was such a weird moan”?

Didn’t think so. Sometimes, it’s easy to get so caught up in our own heads that we forget to take a step back and think about it from our partner’s point of view. But the reality is that if someone is willing to trust and respect you enough to have sex, then it’s pretty darn likely that they’re going to enjoy it, and your body!

  1. TALK ABOUT IT!

Nothing beats a good old conversation. Sex shouldn’t just be about pleasure, but a connection between two people, and a level of trust and intimacy that goes beyond just physical. Even if this intimacy only lasts one night, we need to make sure that our sexual partners are people who respect and listen to us. So it’s definitely important to talk to your partner about what feels comfortable and sexy for you. Although we’re trying to get you OUT of your head, there are some things that might just not feel right — and that’s okay!  Maybe there are certain positions that just aren’t for you; they don’t feel as good, you don’t know how to move comfortably, you’re getting a muscle cramp… the possibilities are endless. But communicating this to your partner is super important in making sure you are feeling relaxed and enjoying yourself the entire time. These intimate conversations also help to break the ice, so they’re likely to lead to you feeling more comfortable in your own skin around them, rolls and all!

  1. THE DIMMER SWITCH: YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND

It can be a scary thought, going from sex in complete darkness to under blinding white fluorescents. And as much as I’d like to tell you to just #loveyourself and strip off in broad daylight, I know it can feel extremely daunting and awkward. So instead of encouraging you to bare all, I am encouraging you to turn your light on, just a little bit. Using a dimmer switch to create a nice dull light, where it’s dark enough to hide your insecurities but also light enough that you can see without accidentally bumping heads (you know you’ve done this), is the perfect transition to feeling comfortable in your own body around your partner. If you don’t have a dimmer switch, turning on a lamp or even lighting some candles is a great way to get yourself used to being seen a little bit more, without committing to complete exposure. Not to mention, candles are the ultimate mood lighting, so it’s impossible not to be super in the mood when those bad boys are burning. As you gradually begin to feel more confident, maybe add in more candles (yes, I actually mean more light), until you are finally ready for the full throttle: sex with the lights ON. 

  1. WHO NEEDS A PARTNER, ANYWAY?

All of the above tips are helpful if you want to feel more confident in the moment, and place a Band-Aid on your insecurities in the bedroom. But my last and definitely most important tip for some sexy, lights-on bedroom activity: get comfortable with yourself first. Spend some time looking at yourself in the mirror… What do YOU find sexy about yourself? What are your best features? What makes you beautiful? Hype yourself up a little bit! Even if you don’t believe it, if you keep doing it then you just might start to convince yourself. Do things that make you feel good outside the bedroom, whether that is exercising and feeling strong, eating nourishing food, or setting aside some time for self care. When you reach a stage that you feel proud and happy in your own body, when you can let go of all your worries because you find yourself that damn sexy, then sex will become even better — and that is when you’ll really feel confident in the bedroom with someone else, lights on or off. The most important validation you’re ever going to get is from yourself.

Feeling sexy with the lights on is a challenge we all face at one point or another, but there are heaps of small and achievable steps we can take to rid ourselves of these insecurities. Having a partner that you feel comfortable around and who celebrates you for you is extremely important, but so is having a great relationship with yourself. Learning to celebrate our bodies (and the bodies of our sexual partners) is the switch that will flick on to reveal not just our sexiest selves, but also the best sex of our lives!

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