Words by: Ruby Ellam
Are you a grinder? A white witch? A slacker or a functional human being?
Do you know what your rising sign is?
A) Astrology isn’t real. I only believe in tangible things like Bitcoin and capitalism.
B) My friend sent me my chart a year ago, but I lost it. I know I’m a [insert sun sign].
C) A girl once told me that Gemini’s are hot, so I put that in my Tinder bio and called it a day.
D) I know my sun, moon, rising, Mars, Venus, MBTI, Hogwarts house, and I know what it all means 一 I’m not 100 per cent sure what intersectional feminism is, though.
What’s your living situation like?
A) I live in my own apartment in the middle of the CBD. My parents pay for my rent so I can focus on my grind!
B) I live with my partner in a cute two-bedroom apartment in the inner suburbs, but we’re saving up to buy land in the next five years.
C) I live in a sharehouse with five other dudes. My mattress is on the floor and we avoid paying for water by never doing our dishes.
D) I live in the moment. And on friends’ couches until my crystals get me a tenancy agreement.
What’s your relationship status?
A) Single. Everyone I meet isn’t driven enough to be with me 一 an alpha needs a queen [insert muscle flex emoji].
B) Engaged/De Facto. My partner and I fully intend to get married and we are each other’s first love;we are so much happier than you.
C) I’m single and not ready to be locked down yet. I need to keep my options open in case my freelance T-shirt screen printing business blows up.
D) I will let love into my life when my tarot cards say it’s right, but for now, I want to be present for myself.
Which Sex and the City character are you?
A) I don’t know; I don’t watch that garbage.
C) Mr. Big
D) The fifth member, New York City.
What’s your biggest vice?
A) Grinding too hard
B) Light treason
C) Not pulling out
What’s your drink order?
A) Only the finest Henny and Grey Goose HAND-DELIVERED to my booth. I WILL offer the waitress subpar cocaine; she will accept but still gives me a fake number.
B) One glass of rosé but only for my boyfriend to snap a pic for Instagram; after that, we will take a silent Uber home and not have sex.
C) Red wine with cigarette butts floating in it.
D) Alcohol is poison; that’s why I only do DMT with strangers in club bathrooms on a Thursday night.
MOSTLY A: A IS FOR ALPHA MAN, BUSINESS BOY, HEAD DOUCHE IN THE CAPITALIST COVEN
It’s not impossible, but I’d be shocked if you weren’t a white, heterosexual man in some sort of finance/economics/business degree with a penchant for insecurity and misogyny. All jokes aside, you’re not an entrepreneur; you’re unemployed, mama.
MOSTLY B: B IS FOR BUT MUM I CAN’T BE THIS 20-SOMETHING, IT’S TOO HARD
You probably exercise regularly, eat well, and have a somewhat healthy relationship with your family. My mother wishes that I was you. I suspect that having a good life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, but how would I know?
MOSTLY C: C IS FOR CAN YOU TRANSFER ME $300 FOR A JACKET THAT I’LL TELL EVERYONE I GOT AT SAVERS TO FIT IN WITH THE ALT GIRLS IN BRUNSWICK
I know you aren’t going to commit, no need to tell me after the first subpar Tinder date. You need to be reminded that living in Brunswick does not erase your Brighton upbringing. Probably an Aquarius.
MOSTLY D: D IS FOR DON’T BE SHOCKED WHEN I SUGGEST CRYSTALS AS A GENUINE FIX FOR DEPRESSION
You’re a do-gooder but suffer from the eternal struggle of an empath 一 you’re self-absorbed. Crystals will not cure my depression, you crazy loveable snake oil salesman. I appreciate your concern, but go away.