Words by: Simone Kealy
Art by: Sarah Annett

We all have things that really get on our nerves or prevent us from taking it one step further in a relationship. Whether it be smoking, snoring, or just being plain annoying, deal-breakers can influence both platonic and romantic relationships. Here’s a list of trivial deal-breakers that I can’t stand.

Walking Slowly

I’m sorry but if you’re a slow walker, not only can I not be friends with you, I will leave you behind if I’m walking with you. I have places to go, people to see, and things to do that do not take into account someone walking like a turtle. Also, I can’t seem to understand why anyone would walk that slow. As a person who is in a constant state of anxiety, if I walked like a snail, I think I would burst. Is it possible for them to walk even slightly faster? Is there something stopping them? Or do they simply not care? There are so many questions that have gone unanswered for so long, but I don’t have the time to find answers.

Vegemite Eater

Yes, I know, if I hate Vegemite, I must not be a real Australian. I’ve heard that phrase a thousand times, but trust me, I am both an Australian and a Vegemite hater. I can be both. In fact, I’ve always hated Vegemite and I can’t remember a time when I haven’t. Honestly (and I’m being dead serious) even the smell triggers my gag reflexes, to the point that I avoid touching the jar like the plague. Simply imagining eating the stuff is enough to send shivers down my spine and nightmares to torment my sleep. Although enjoying this horrendous spread may not be a complete deal-breaker, please, for the love of God, keep it away from me.

Eating With Your Mouth Open

I was raised by my mother to always be polite at the dinner table. This included holding the knife and fork in the correct hand, in the correct way, not putting elbows on the table, and of course, eating with your mouth closed. Although not holding your fork or knife correctly seems a bit arbitrary to me, it makes complete sense to close your mouth when eating. When you think about it, the act of eating is actually kind of gross, so the least you can do is keep your mouth closed so the world can’t see your food becoming a mess of saliva and slimy chunks. Nobody wants to see that, so subjecting that to others is not only selfish, but a complete deal-breaker.

Not Using A Bath Mat

This may be a bit too specific to appeal to the masses, but I’ve experienced it enough in my life for it to really get on my nerves. To those who don’t properly use a bath mat and get water all over the bathroom leaving me to walk in and get my nice warm socks all wet, I have one simple question to ask: what do you think the point of a bath mat is? It isn’t there to look pretty, especially as most bath mats aren’t exactly the most beautiful part of bathroom décor. They are there to absorb the water that’s covering your body and to keep said water from covering the bathroom floor. So please, for the sake of my sanity (and my socks), use the bath mat!

Not Using Tissues

I can’t stand people who would rather sniff for eternity than use a tissue to blow their nose. I still have horrific flashbacks of studying in the library and every few seconds hearing the sniff of someone in my vicinity. I wanted to fling tissues at them and plead to them to use one. I also don’t really understand why someone wouldn’t use a tissue. It must be uncomfortable for them, right? I personally hate not having a tissue on hand, and after I do use a tissue, I love being able to breathe clearly again. So, it doesn’t make sense to keep on sniffing. Is it really that hard to use one?

Not Being Able to Cook

Although this is a bit rich coming from a person who didn’t know how to truly cook until I left home, not knowing your way around a kitchen is totally a deal breaker. I don’t need the next MasterChef, but being able to cook pasta is a must, as well as other simple foods like cooking an egg or chopping an onion. Also, if you don’t know how to cook, how do you feed yourself? Or do people who lack this ability always eat-out? In this economy? It just doesn’t sound feasible.