Words by: Thiamando Pavlidis
Art by: Jackie Liu

Conspiracy theories are like watching entire seasons of Real Housewives in one sitting. The deeper you get into it, the more you start questioning a) what’s real and what’s for the audience and b) your own sanity. 

Luckily under lockdown, we as a global community have much more time to publish and explore all the ridiculous conspiracies out there. Here’s four to research further at 3am tonight:

Belgium doesn’t exist. 

Apparently, we’ve all been lied to. According to the website dedicated to this theory, Belgium is a fake country created by the New World Order (those responsible for the alleged secret totalitarian global takeover, of course) to propagate and promote the ‘Liberal Agenda’. How else could you explain the positive depictions of Belgians in the media (Bonjour Poirot!) or that french fries are, in fact, a Belgian invention? All these shining examples of Belgian achievement are actually a tool of manipulation, enabling the global masses to subconsciously consider Belgium a liberal utopia. Of course, in order to make it believable, the Order would’ve had to create some flaws — this explains the existence of brussels sprouts. I’m 70 per cent sure this is satire and I did actually visit Belgium in 2018, but I must’ve spent too much time on this site because even I’m beginning to question some things. 

Britney Spears was a tool for the Bush Administration.

Have you ever noticed how President George W. Bush’s controversies would hit the press at suspiciously similar times to when Britney Spears’ private life was in the tabloids? Here are some examples:

February 15, 2002: Britney Spears released her first movie, Crossroads, the same day Bush disposes of 77,000 tonnes of radioactive waste in a mountain in Nevada, despite local protests. 

November 6, 2006: Bush removed Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld from office. A day before, Spears divorced Kevin Federline. 

February 2007: Two days before the New York Times published an expose about Al-Qaeda’s growing influence, Spears shaved her head. Days later, she attacked the paparazzi with an umbrella. 

The conspiracy began after a clip of Spears endorsing Bush emerged as part of Michael Moore’s 2004 documentary Fahrenheit 9/11, and claims Spears was a distraction from Bush’s bad publicity.
#FreeBritney. 

Joan Rivers was assassinated by the Obamas.

I couldn’t write about conspiracy theories without mentioning the most infamous perpetrator of conspiracies himself, Alex Jones. You know, the guy on the far-right with the gravelly voice who has been banned from about a dozen different websites. 

Well, after looking at a racist and sexist cartoon comparing Michelle Obama with Melania Trump, Jones came to the conclusion that Michelle is actually a man named Michael, who presents as a woman to the public in order to maintain the facade that Barack Obama is heterosexual. 

That isn’t where it ends though, because internet groups have gone one step further and claimed that television personality Joan Rivers’ August 2014 death was not a result of complications to a minor surgery, but of a joke she made a month earlier regarding the Obamas’ sexuality and gender identity. The Obamas promptly put a hit out on Rivers to silence her for outing them. If you ever want to feel better about yourself, find the people who comment about this on the internet. 

JK Rowling isn’t real. 

Have you ever wondered whether JK Rowling’s story of personal struggle turned global success was maybe too good to be true? Norwegian film director Nina Grünfeld claimed that JK Rowling is in fact, a talented actress fronting for a Bloomsbury and Warner Bros’ team of writers who worked together to create the Harry Potter novel and film franchise. However, in order to generate extra appeal, the corporations hired an actor to portray the image JK, a relatable and hopeful character — a single mother who found success from an idea she wrote down on a napkin while waiting for a delayed train. 

Now, of all the theories I’ve talked about in this article, this is the one I most want to be true. Could you imagine the world we’d be living in if this was something we’d found out, say, mid-2019, when they could’ve, I don’t know, suspended her Twitter or something?