Sex… But Make It 1.5M Apart

Words by: Tiffany Forbes
Art by: Tatiana Cruz

Summer Europe trip? Cancelled. Festival season? Rescheduled. My sex-life? Non-existent.

You heard it here first: If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from this whole ordeal, it’s that no amount of banana bread you bake, or quarantine fringes you cut, will succeed at filling the void of a good ol’ root. I repeat, put the spatula down.

To this day, I am yet to find another activity that compares to the thrill of taking the person you’ve been eyeing at the bar all night home for a one- night-stand, or hitting up Mr Old-Reliable for a hefty session of no-strings-attached.

I recently asked one of my friends what she was most looking forward to after isolation. Her response? “A solid dick appointment.” It appears I am not alone.

Human touch and physical connection are crucial to humanity, therefore, it comes as no surprise
a lack of sexual intimacy has the power to pose significant implications on the wellbeing of singles and couples alike.

So how can we reignite the sexual flame whilst holed up in a house?

Like most things, the solution to all my problems quite literally lay at my fingertips. So, naturally, I took to Monash StalkerSpace to get to the bottom of combatting 2020’s sexual slump.

Here are your responses:

The Take-Matters-Into-Your-Own-Hands:

If you’ve learnt anything from this year, it’s that if you want something done properly, do it yourself.

“Dressing up in lingerie to look at myself in the mirror. Sending nudes to my friends. Using my bullet vibrator a lot more. I ‘added to cart’ a more expensive, better sex toy several times but continually put off purchasing it because I didn’t have the funds.”

“Jacking off. How else?”

“Just vibing on my own, but the porn is getting weird…”

The Omegle-But-Take-It-Down-a-Notch:

Because the internet is a truly glorious place.

“Too many Snapchat nudes and FaceTiming Tinder dudes. I have expanded my circle (when allowed) to one or two of my favourite dudes.”

“I’ve increased my incidence of self love significantly, but also made a lot of new friends in sex positive Zoom chats where group masturbation is encouraged.”

“My boyfriend lives in Sydney so we have phone sex a lot and send Snapchats of us masturbating. We’ve just started doing Zooms where we masturbate to each other. We’re both pretty kinky, so some of the stuff we do on Zoom involves shit other people think is pretty weird, like feet stuff.”

The All-Over-the-House:

If you’re lucky (or unlucky) enough to be quarantined with your significant other, physical touch isn’t the problem, but spicing up your sex-life is.

“With my girlfriend at our house, we change it up so we aren’t just having sex in the bedroom. Sometimes the lounge, sometimes the shower, and even in the kitchen once. We’re trying some new things which have been really hot.”

“All different types (anal, vaginal, oral), usually around the house, but sometimes in the car if we drive somewhere like a park at night.”

The Pilgrim:

“I have travelled to my boyfriend’s purely for a fuck. Sorry Dan Andrews.”

And my personal favourite, The Expiry Date:

“I haven’t had sex in lockdown — iso made things stagnant and stale like old left out Coles bread.

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