Lube For Lunch

Words by Leila Bakhache
Art by Ruby Waldren

How can one evaluate the progression of humanity? Not through technological advancements, that’s for certain. Neither can it be done through modern medicine, nor through the fact that mankind has walked the moon. The correct answer, you ask? I believe it is through the growing array of lube flavours available to you and I alike. Innovation at its finest.

The first flavoured lube was brought to us by Japan in the 1600’s, where mashed yams (yummy and vegan!) were used to provide some lubrication to their animal intestine condoms (not so vegan). Nowadays, we are spoilt for choice with the flavours available. What better way to rate them than to do some deep diving and
find the weirdest flavours around?

Mint Chocolate Chip
Nothing better than a big lick of mint choccy chip ice cream on a hot summer’s day, right? But I’m just not too sure how I would feel about this sticky, sweet, and (most importantly) minty concoction anywhere near my personal ice cream cone.

Bacon
If bacon isn’t already an aphrodisiac, I am officially declaring it as one. Who isn’t turned on by the smell of bacon? That sexy sizzle right when it hits the pan? Count me IN. This lube gives a whole new meaning to ‘breakfast in bed’, and I am here for it.

Cinnamon Roll
Ah! Hot buns, white cream.Too many innuendos to choose from.

Weed
Bro… Dope.

Whisky
A whisky dick that won’t let you down? Fuck yeah. Alexa, play ‘Drunk in Love’.

Coffee
Yeah I’ll have a long black please! Morning sex just got better with this kick of caffeine to keep you energised all the way through. Hey, throw the bacon lube in the mix and we’ve got a full English breakfast going.

Eggnog
Ahh, Christmas all year round. How festive! This eggnog lube is definitely the sexiest way you could get Salmonella.

Irish Cream
Particularly funny when you’re sleeping with someone Irish, or whose name is Bailey (double points if they’re both). We all scream for some Irish cream am I right?

Sparkling Wine
Fancy a little bit of bubbly? When has alcohol and sex NOT been a good pairing? Actually, don’t answer that.

Birthday Cake
A birthday sex necessity, cause all I want for my birthday is a big booty… and some birthday cake flavoured lube.

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