Words by: Stephanie Booth Art by: Beth Philpotts
Thinking threesome? Ask yourself: ‘what gap am I trying to fill?’ The filling of gaps is something that needs to be considered and researched, but spontaneous and fun at the same time. Simples, right?
I don’t want to tell you how to suck eggs, or anything for that matter, but there’s some things that should be addressed before we get undressed.
Is a threesome something you genuinely want, or are you just trying to cover the fact that things might be stagnating with your S.O? Are you just looking to tick something off your ‘fuck-it’ list? Whatever the reason —
there are several factors to contemplate before considering a threesome as your root to recovery on the path to discovery.
The reality of a threesome is that the best ones happen organically. In whatever scenario the idea of a threesome comes up for you, there are questions to ask, things to plan, and things to agree on. These decisions happen in a rapid-fire way, sometimes implicitly, sometimes negotiably, and sometimes it’s just one, two, three; let’s see.
Which raises further questions: what kind are we having? MMF, FMF, MMM, FFF? What are we looking for and do we all agree, or are we just trying to appease the other participants so they don’t change their minds — for the love of god don’t change your mind, I’ve been angling at this for months.
The idea that you are going to find someone that is attractive to each of you, and is attracted to each of you, is a fool’s errand. You’re not going to walk into a bar and find some Jessica Rabbit deer-in-the-headlights damsel type, quietly drinking her vodka tonic alone at a bar, waiting for you and your YouFoodz-equivalent of a partner to approach her and rock her world with your five years of twice-a-month missionary. This is going to take both mettle and mirth. You’re more likely going to have a threesome with a friend, or someone you know — and it’s going to be awkward, and I hope for your sake, funny.
I asked a handful of friends and colleagues:
’’How did you feel about having a threesome?’’
“It was a bit shit”, “it saved us”, “it made me realise I wanted something else”, “it was an excuse to cheat with supervised permission”, “I felt ignored”, “I felt used”, “I felt disappointed”, “I’m always looking for an opportunity to do it again”.
So assuming you’re successful enough to get yourself into a position where a threesome is on the cards — what now? What the fuck does everyone do? Who starts? Should we have established this beforehand? What if they like them better than they like me? I’m meant to enjoy that, okay, okay. Am I doing a bad job? There’s now two people judging my sexual performance; usually it’s just one. I wanted this; why do I have no idea what to do? The awkward logistics of who-does-what-to-who-and-when is a crucial part. Have some idea, even a basic understanding of what you’re all comfortable with.
And in the words of a certain cancelled artist: “After the show is the after party, after the party is the hotel lobby.” But when it comes to threesomes, figuring out when the show is actually ‘over’ is a logistical clusterfuck, does everyone need to have cum or does everyone just need a Powerade and a shower. Then what? Who stays over? Do we all go home? Does everyone get out of your home? Should I… like…call… you?My kingdom for a portkey.