Words by Anonymous
Art by Marissa Hor

1– Aquarius 3/5

While Aquarius may not have been designed with every floorboard in mind, it is the perfect move for you to flex your biceps and get fucking! Points deducted due to safety concerns for our upside-down lover.

2– Lotus 4/5

This move gave me everything that grinding had to offer with a touch
of penetration. Bustle magazine told me that this move would help stimulate an “internal orgasm” and multiple orgasms; unfortunately neither happened, so point deducted!

3– Merger 4.5/5

Merge together and get super steamy like freshly laminated sheets of paper. This move is perfect for giving your boobies and booty all the attention in the world, adding some extra fire.

4– Lap Dance 4/5

This position gives you the perfect chance to shimmy your way into some sensual places that you didn’t see coming. Point deducted for the absence of Shakira music.

5– Waterfall 3.5/5

This takes the arched back, hair play, “oh my god, I’m cumming, don’t stop, please don’t stop — you’re doing such a good job” a lot further. Points deducted for how random this move feels.

6– Ecstasy 1.5/5

Would I do this again? Probably not. Did I hate it? No. Just like the time
I tried ecstasy.