The Unofficial Ranking of Uni Campuses

Words by Elysee Lee
Art by Katelin Eichner

‘Victoria—The Education State’ on every third license plate was enough to convince me that Melbourne had plenty of good universities to choose from. The evaluation process should have been fairly straightforward. Does the uni have my preferred course? Is it reputable? Do I meet the entry requirements?

Turns out none of that really matters. Ultimately, the most important feature of a university is its ability to make you feel like you’re doing something useful with your life just by virtue of being there.

I took it upon myself to do something I should’ve done before locking into Monash: I took a tour of Melbourne’s most popular university campuses and have rated them on far more than subject choices.

Swinburne, Hawthorne

The most striking memory I have from my visit was the student staring out of the Kebab shop, his eyes glazed over with hopelessness. I don’t blame him, it felt like there was nothing happening. There’s nothing wrong with this place exactly, it just doesn’t feel quite right. You know when the weather’s a bit shit, but everything else is fine? It’s that. The buildings are a bit eclectic, but not in that cool Fitzroy way. All ten students on campus were eerily quiet except in the (surprise!) library. At least there’s a train station right on campus so you can leave ASAP.

I would recommend it for a spot of free putt-putt though. They house immaculately kept golf grass.

Verdict: 2.5/5


Deakin, Burwood

I have an overwhelming feeling that this place is not real. Everyone looked like they were enjoying themselves a bit too much. I grew suspicious when I stumbled upon a picturesque scene of enthusiastic, culturally diverse students bonding over ping pong and video games. It was almost like I had stepped onto a film set for a Deakin commercial. Is it possible for students to be so happy amongst buildings that look like they were built in Soviet Russia?

If you still don’t believe me: any university with a 24 hour library is surely fake.

Verdict: 3/5


RMIT, CBD

Surprisingly not shit. I always assumed that RMIT was nothing but cramped high rise buildings. While there is certainly no shortage of that, there is somehow a nice, open space wedged in between. Way too much fake grass though. They’ve also managed to fit in quite a few study areas, but I’ve been told that Melb Uni students are notorious for hogging seats.

If you want to venture into the city every day to pretend you’ve got a 9-5 office job, RMIT’s the campus for you.

Verdict: 3.5/5


University of Melbourne, Parkville

The quintessential uni—according to your parents. Historical buildings, clock towers that chime on the hour, sprawling fields, lush greenery, the crisp scents of nature… just like the ‘80s! All that is fine and dandy for Instagram and pretending you’re at Hogwarts, but the real winner is the crepe stand.

Although, I suspect that students might not be getting much work done with all the lying around on the grass and crepe eating.

Verdict: 4.5/5


Monash, Caulfield                          

Keep cups, wide-legged pants, yes I’ve watched Jean-Luc Godard’s latest movie, is this vegan? Oh yeah, the business students are here too.  

Some may call Caulfield small, but I’m more inclined to say it’s ‘pocket sized’. Sure, it doesn’t have everything (like a crepe stand), but it’s compact and is sufficient. Except when it comes to library seats. We need more seats. I’m tired of walking around the library in circles for half an hour.

Verdict: 4/5


Monash, Clayton

Might still be stuck in the industrial revolution. The campus is cursed to be in a state of perpetual construction. There’s been a bit of grass left here and there, just enough to justify their status as a ‘traditional’ campus. I highly recommend investing in a gym membership if you want to get anywhere in a timely manner. There’s going to be so much walking.

This must be the only university with a dress code, too. All I see people wearing are sweatpants, Monash Uni hoodies, Kathmandu jackets, and eyebags.

Verdict: 4/5


Monash, Peninsula

Nah, fuck that.

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