Word by Lara Shearer Art by Angharad Neal-Williams
Sex is sex is sex, but sex in a long-term relationship is a whole different kettle of fish. What is the difference between having sex and making love?
Sex and the L-word are a legendary combo, but compared to the novelties of Tinder and the fun nature of #singlelife, having a significant other seems to have fallen off the radar. How do you keep it fresh? Doesn’t it get boring? And commitment? No thanks. I get it. But when love is present in sex, it changes the game completely. For one, there are no more games. You don’t worry about how you look or how you come across to them, and bonus, you can fart and queef during sex without having to pretend it didn’t happen.
Your SO knows what you like and you know what they like, so when you give each other the ‘look’, what comes next is second nature. I, for one, can confirm that having someone love every part of you in all your different states, minds and shapes, makes sex feel almost too good to be true. Deep emotional connection, trust and an innate sexual attraction means it is, as cliché as it sounds, an experience like no other. I say this for several reasons.
Sex with someone you’re in love with allows you to always feel that you’re in a safe and supported environment where you never feel compelled to do something you’re not comfortable with. That safe space also gives you the opportunity to explore anything you want to, as long as your partner is up to it. You two can explore your deepest fantasies sans judgement, because hey, anything for love, right?
Being smitten in sex can bring so many other positives along with it, especially as it can conjure up a new profound sense of self-confidence. Insecurities fly out the window; instead, you find yourself embracing all those things you once loathed. It’s not a result of being showered in compliments (though that is quite noice), but because you become so comfortable and loved, the confidence can’t help but to come on out. I mean check you out, for crying out loud! Dayum!
Of course, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes you’re doing it and it’s not quite doing it for one, of you, and that is completely normal – one can only bone so much, and sometimes you just can’t force something you want. Sex, in love or not, is all about timing and talking.
Open communication. Probably the utmost important part of a consensual and healthy relationship. If anything is ever a little bit concerning, tell your partner how you’re feeling and work through any problems you have as a team. Don’t suffer in silence, and I mean that seriously. Be clear with what you want and what you don’t. Addressing concerns with your partner can only improve your relationship. If you try to sweep it under the rug, it will eventually come back to bite you, and your relationship.
Upon asking people, “how would you describe sex in love?”, the common answer was some smiley ums and ahs, proceeded with words like “indescribable”. A friend of mine defined making love as,
“You lose yourself in someone, nothing else matters in that time or place. It’s way better than any sex you’ll ever have”.
Why? What makes the act of making love so special? From a biological perspective, it’s mostly thanks to our mate dopamine. So when you’re getting it on with your SO, your brain is releasing chemicals which send you into euphoric oblivion and surprise, surprise, you and your hot bods want more and more. Who can blame ya?
Is sex in love an addiction? I guess you could say so. It’s crazy to think that you have somebody who wants only you and all of you, all the timer maybe it’s not so crazy. Some people are addicted to biting their nails, and some can’t get enough of that dope-amine.
Happy sexin’ love birds!