Words by Tess Astle Art by Min Wong
I always trusted my father. Until the day he told me the movie Love and Other Drugs was just a dark yet beautiful drama involving a pharmaceutical rep and a Parkinson’s patient. He was wrong. Picture this, 14 year old me stuck between both parents as I watched a good 20 minutes of Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal fully naked, fully having sex. Unlike my father’s lil blurb, this film was an erotic romantic drama riddled with heavily graphic scenes. It was a long two hours.
Now, I’d love to say that we’re the kind of family who is open about sex but in all honesty, sex scenes lead to a lot of silences, darting eyes and sudden interests in clearing up the kitchen. Sex is good and talking about sex is healthy but watching sex scenes on a small IKEA couch with your rents isn’t essential.
Here’s where I come in to help. I’ve gone out and lived out the awkward moments in order to create a list of movies to avoid watching with your parents. Some may be pretty obvious but there are also some seemingly safe films with rouge sex scenes we should try and avoid. Don’t say we didn’t try warn you.
Black Swan
Dancing, good. Acting, good. The decline into insanity, good. The violent and very shocking lesbian sex scene with Mila Kunis, not so good.
Bridesmaids
We were prepared for some raunchy jokes in this MA15+ film but we were not prepared for the opening scene. It’s an honest and uncomfortably long scene of Kristen Wiig and Jon Hamm getting it on. “Cup my balls” is a direct quote.
True Lies
I’ll be honest this is not a ‘sex scene’ but it is an intense scene where Jamie Lee Curtis strips bare for the future governor of California. I watched this film a lot as a kid and somehow always needed to pee at this exact moment.
Jerry Maguire
Total curve ball. One minute Tom Cruise is negotiating club presidents, then boom Kelly Preston is riding him against a bookshelf.
Love Actually
It’s a Christmas film. It’s supposed to be about love, family and joy. But no, somehow Richard Curtis managed to sneak in a storyline involving body doubles on the set of an adult film. In the middle of nativity plays and carol singers there are two characters fully nude pretending to bang. The couple may be sweet but bare boob cupping is just a bit awkward, especially on Christmas eve.
Matrix Reloaded
People watch the Matrix movies for action and that back bending stuff. Not a good five minutes of Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss rubbing crotches.
Muriel’s Wedding
Probably the messiest scene. It starts with a beanbag chair and a broken window and ends with the line, “I can’t feel my legs”. Enough said.
Family movie night was always supposed to be fun. And while there are some memories and movies I’ll remember for a lifetime there are also some that I’m really trying to forget.
Esperanto Magazine 