Words by Victoria Baikie
Art by Joanna Leucuta

White people are complicated and fascinating creatures. Somehow the human phenomenon was able to create a whole race that is completely unable to dance and yet they are also unable to accept this as truth.

We have been investigating this species intensely for some time, so here’s a compiled list of the shit white people say that we have found out so far.

“Horses is the greatest song of all time”

You’re kidding right? It has been scientifically proven that the song ‘Horses’ can only ever be played in a group setting because if someone actually listened to the song on their own, they would realise that it is really not that great. Without the effect of standing arm-in-arm with your best mates belting out the ballad word-for-word, the song loses all hypnotic effect. I dare you to listen to the song by yourself from start to finish, and if you have the feeling that you did not enjoy it enough the first time and that you must skip back and play it again so you can really enjoy it, then you’re white as hell.

“Flavoured with salt and pepper”

The traditional way to distinguish who is white is by asking them how they flavour their food. It does not have to be a particular type of food, white people will consider a food ‘flavoured’ if a pinch of salt and pepper is used – any more than a pinch and it will be too spicy. To prove my point, at the supermarket on the huge wall of herbs and spices, where is the salt and pepper? THEY’RE NOT ON THE WALL. Salt and pepper are usually on their own, down the bottom or to the side. So even the supermarket recognises they aren’t adequate seasonings. Don’t get me wrong. I love salt, but salt is not a herb or a spice, it is a mineral as it is not derived from a plant. So, if you are eating food that only contains salt or pepper, your food is whiter than you.

“I’m 1/16thBritish, 2/12thFrench, 1/90thRussian, 3/15thIndian, 2/103th Scandinavian, …..”

Since Australia was colonised by convicts, it has become pretty hard for white Australians to distinguish their ancestry through one origin. We have a complicated history with migrants, with almost everyone having a mix of everything. It is great to be proud of your ancestry and interested in the many different parts of the world that make up you. In saying that, announcing that you are anything over 1/6th makes you look pretty white.

“Go back to where you came from”

Leading on from the previous point, unless you are of Indigenous heritage, telling someone else to go back to where they came from is one of the most hypocritical sayings white people have become accustomed to. Second only to calling asylum seekers “boat people,” considering our history with travelling on boats… you get the point. If a white person had to go back to where they came from, they would have to split their body up into parts – and nobody wants to deal with that. Let’s just accept that not everyone will stay in the same country they are born in.

“Kevin ‘07”

I will not stop praising the year of the legend called Kevin ’07 until the day I die. What a year to be alive. What a god.

“I’m not your buddy, pal” “I’m not your pal, mate” “I’m not your mate, buddy”

When white people get angry at each other, but are responsible enough to not get violent but want to make it seem like they will be violent against their opponent, they will instigate what is known as a tough-talk cycle. This never ending tough-talk cycle is found to be heard up to four kilometres away and can attract other like minded white people to come to their defences. If you hear this call, it is best to stay away, otherwise you might become white too.