I’ve always envisioned the end of the world to be incredibly sexy: me, smoky-eyed and sweaty against an incandescent background, wrapped in the arms of someone resembling Adam Driver. This rugged lover uses their last moments of life to finally admit the clitoris is, in fact, the powerhouse of the orgasmic cell, and not something they saw on PornHub that “worked for their ex”. As I whimsically exhale a super-profound quote from Audre Lorde, an array of erotic catastrophes sprawl across the land: volcanic eruptions, earth-shattering trembles — the whole world collapses into an exhausted abyss.
You may have heard of the lockdown blues, but thanks to TikTok there’s a new colour tinting our once-achromatic routines. The ‘Follow the Colour’ trend encourages spontaneity in our generally structured lives, asking us to choose a colour and simply follow it. This colour influences our actions and choices for the day, and thus breaks up an otherwise monotonous routine. As someone who has found themselves in a bit of a slump during Lockdown 6.0, I felt that this was a recurring trend for me, so I decided to switch things up. That’s why, on the 27th of August 2021, I let purple run my day.
Lockdowns suck. They fucking suck! As the sixth Victorian isolation orders are extended, I find it harder and harder to fulfil the brief of this article — contemplating the benefits of a snap-lockdown. I cast my mind back to the 10 day orders of the last six months, peppered into my (somewhat) back-to-normal life. All I can come up with is:
A lot has changed over the past two years since COVID-19 hit Australia, including my grasp on time. The pandemic has shifted us into a whole new way of living, where open borders, limitless outdoor time, and not having to do Zoom catch-ups are now distant memories that we once took for granted. So much has changed that looking back, how we used to live is almost foreign.
What does it mean to be in quarantine? What is it like to be locked up indoors with only a few hours of sunshine allowed? Is it punishment? Is karma biting the human race? Is it a doorway to a mental asylum? In truth, I don’t know what it really means or how it has impacted people. It would be extremely arrogant and ignorant to assume that it has hit everyone the same way. Each experience is very unique. Some might be terrible, while others surprisingly good. This will be part of my personal journey with lockdowns, quarantine, and COVID-19.
The year I kissed high school goodbye, I immediately felt eager for the next chapter of my life — officially entering adulthood! The thought of turning 18 was nerve-racking but equally exciting. New opportunities were on the horizon, or so I thought…
It seems to be only fitting that, in a year as lonely as ever, we all turned to our sex toys for solace. Sales soared once we were all forced to stay at home last year, ironically allowing us to find company in ourselves. But it’s not like this hasn’t happened before. I mean, in the Global Financial Crisis (GFC) sex toy sales boomed, while people saved their pennies by staying inside. And what better way to waste time than with a dildo bed-side?