Ah, the joys of late-stage capitalism. Everything essential like food, electricity and housing is becoming disastrously expensive. Everything that appears free comes at a cost — usually your privacy. Every single purchase, subscription, moment your eyes linger slightly longer on your screen embeds you deeper into the system.
Billionaires are just idiot man-babies with too many resources, with many of whom are clearly just overcompensating for at least one little… thing. This is the sentiment I have tried to convey in this story, where many of the jokes and anecdotes are actually based on real-life billionaire antics — the gag is, without the context, it’s impossible to tell what’s made up and what’s real. With that in mind, here is what I imagine a day in the life of a billionaire is like.
It was not long ago that I dreamt of the life of a career diplomat. Majoring in international relations has shifted that dream, for better or worse. Studying the outdated archaic theories developed by White imperialists which perpetuate the subjugation of Indigenous communities, people of colour, women, and other minorities, has made me question everything since they created them under the guise of negotiation and peace.
When I was seven, I took my first ever family camping trip. If I try hard enough, it’s almost as if I can still smell the excitement in the air that day, which often comes in waves of freshly-bought camping chairs and a tent we’d found at an Aldi special buys rack at some point in 2007.