Words by: Anonymous
Art by: Siena Thomas

One of the challenges I wasn’t prepared for growing up is that the journey of self-discovery doesn’t become any easier with age.

In my early teenage years, I felt like I was constantly battling with my identity, but I pushed it away, thinking “I’m young, I don’t need to figure out all of this right now. I bet in a couple of years I will finally have the answers”. Well, now I’m almost 20, and I’m still confused and still feel lost most of the time. 

I remember during lockdown seeing people sharing their stories about self-discovery in terms of gender or sexuality. It made me feel jealous and isolated. I was envious because they were the same age as me, yet seemed to have everything figured out, while I hadn’t even let myself think about it yet. I felt pressured to quickly determine who I was. That was when I decided to start exploring my gender.

Growing up in a very conservative country limited my experience and opportunity to freely explore my gender. I had no one to talk to about gender identity without feeling scared that they would make fun or hate me. Many people around me had already closed their mind to the gender identity conversation. Nearly every argument that I had with both my friends and family ended with the phrase, “Just be grateful for who you are now.” 

They don’t understand what it’s like to wake up feeling extremely uncomfortable in your own body and how frightening and overwhelming that can be.

As a person you might consider as plus-sized, I always felt uncomfortable wearing dresses or any other outfit that showed off my body. I was envious towards people with androgynous features, who could present themselves however they wanted. But alas, I can’t change my body. 

It’s challenging to hide the feminine aspects of my body – wearing masculine clothing alone doesn’t prevent comments about how ‘girly’ I still look. So, I decided to try using a binder as an experiment, and it felt incredible. I was genuinely thrilled when I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time with the binder on. While it didn’t drastically change my appearance, it significantly improved how I felt about myself. Over time, this has helped boost my confidence in both myself and my body.

Slowly but surely, I was becoming more open to exploring my gender publicly. I found friends online who wanted to listen to my story and support me. I started to experiment with different pronouns and asked my friends to change how they referred to me. However, I soon realised that I don’t really care about pronouns that much, and while they might be important to other people’s gender identity journey, changing mine didn’t change how I perceived myself. Gradually, I was beginning to feel more comfortable with who I am. The binder especially helped me learn to embrace my body inside and out. At some point, maybe I’ll even wear more feminine clothes again and I might start to love it and embrace my femininity. But I am not putting any limits on how I want to identify anymore.

After moving to Melbourne and meeting others on a similar journey and hearing their stories, I realised that the process of self-discovery can be lengthy, and the timeline differs for everyone. It’s okay to not know, to not want to think about it yet, and to take things slow – enjoying the journey as it unfolds. So, if you ever feel alone, and feel you’re the only one that is lost, just remember that many people are going through exactly the same thing. I’m happy to say that I am more comfortable with who I am now than I’ve ever been. I haven’t figured out all the parts yet, but I still want to continue the journey.