Words by: Fae Gehren
Art by: Pipi Joannou

Dear future me,

I don’t think I’ve ever written a letter to my future self before. Maybe because it was always so hard to imagine a future for myself when all I am has been so wrapped up in the past. But I feel like I’m finally starting to move forwards now. It is hard, as you would know, but I’m so proud of the steps I have taken and the courage I have shown these last few years. 

I know I’ve been through a lot but I’m starting to see just how strong I am. And that isn’t the kind of ‘strength’ where I keep everything inside and ‘don’t let things get to me’. Things do get to me. I feel very deeply, and as much as that makes things extra tricky sometimes, it is also a wonderful thing. My strength lies in how I take care of myself, show up for myself and keep trying to do better next time. My strength is loud and proud when I communicate how I’m feeling, set boundaries and consider where the other person is coming from. And goddamn, I have set some TOUGH boundaries this year. And that is very new to me. I’m so freaking proud of myself for that. I know you will keep working on it and get better and better at recognising and enforcing those boundaries each time – and that’s really cool of you. 

And so here I am, the first time in my life where I feel like I can finally see a path out, a path to a future. So I want to spend some time telling you about what I see in that future. It could be a good reminder if there are things you haven’t achieved yet and still want to. Or a funny moment if things have gone in a completely different direction, or a proud moment if you’ve done lots of them. Or a mixture of all of the above. 

In my future I want to…

Have cute wholesome hang outs with my friends as much as possible

Fix my knees so that I can dance at a concert and not die the next day 

Have a dramatic romantic first kiss at least once – like the ones in the rain or those SUPER slow ones when the tension is almost crackling in the air (In other words: a K-drama kiss)

Make low-budget short films with my friends

Enter my photography into more exhibits and get it published in something

Write articles and blogs – maybe start my own website 

Travel a lot 

Learn Japanese and spend lots of time in Japan

Pat a capybara at least once

Get my PHD and go into research work

Give seminars and talks about the things I research (gender, feminism, queer and cultural issues)

Submit a film to a film festival

Host workshops and events for queer people

Learn how to draw and make art

Learn how to sew my own clothes

Have lots of great sex 

Make gorgeous, meaningful connections with people all over the world 

Have someone see me for all that I am and love me loads… And be able to recognise it when it happens

And maybe one day, if I have the money, I’ll open that queer yoga and arts retreat that I’ve been thinking about 

And I hope I…. 

Get my health on track and stop being sick and burnt out all the time

Get to a point where I don’t have to cancel on people so much because I’m sick and burnt out all the time 

Stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks about me; it would be really cool to feel at home in who I am 

Stop worrying that everyone is going to leave me

Stop worrying about falling behind or being a failure 

Get a handle on my executive dysfunction so that I can actually do all the things I enjoy and all the things I need to do

Stop feeling like there is a gaping hole inside my chest 

I hope it gets easier to be alive, even just a little. I hope you’re happy. You have such a big heart and so much love, I hope you’ve learnt how to give some to yourself too. 

Oh and I hope we’ve gotten better healthcare for women and queer people. And made headway on climate change by now. 

Anyways…

Thanks for everything. I wish you the best. I’m proud of you, no matter what. 

I love you.