Words by: Shabnam Sidhu

I’ve been on dating apps for three years. I’ve had 27 first dates in the last year. I’ve experienced two failed situationships. Despite it all, I persevere.

I am convinced that one day, my endless swiping, monotonous conversations, and unfulfilling casual encounters will manifest into something much greater.

Sometimes I feel like a masochist. I give myself the time of day to invest in meaningless interactions. I meet people who bore me to death. I say ‘yes’ to experiences that leave me feeling like I’ve given up a part of myself to someone who couldn’t care less about me. I go on dates with perfectly lovely people, yet I struggle to elicit a spark. I finally met someone I like and we get along so well. I sleep with them. I want something more. I don’t see them again.

I am disappointed in my inability to sieve out the not-so-impressive suitors and incompatible matches. So, I abandon the apps and convince myself that I’ll meet someone organically. Then, I’m on Hinge again three days later, with a completely revamped profile, except this time, I’m increasingly unhinged.

I’ve reached a point where I’ve become so desensitised, that I have somehow become the most authentic version of myself on dating apps. Despite my track record suggesting otherwise, I like to think I’ve cracked the code to what makes the ideal dating app profile. Experts would tell you to be yourself and so, after some inward reflection, I’ve drawn a few conclusions about myself:

1. I am shallow. For the most part, I swipe on appearances. I can’t necessarily pinpoint my exact type, but I do know that I’m drawn to profiles that are easy for me to make out who I’m swiping on.

You may or may not look like young Robert De Niro, but if I can catch a glimpse of something that aligns with my personality or interests through your pictures, I’m swiping right.

2. I enjoy being nonsensical. I am well aware that my profile should clearly express what my dating intentions are. I’ve tried that and failed, so now, as long as it’s relevant, I say whatever amusing thing that comes to mind.

Whether it’s through my prompts or conversations with my matches, I sometimes enjoy saying things that are the slightest bit unconventional, in hopes of eliciting an equally zany response. If the other person humours me, I know I’ve met my match.

3. I crave a relationship. However, like most people on dating apps, I don’t make my desire for one explicit. Instead, I’ve journeyed across the spec- trum of what could come out of a dating app encounter. I’ve met people who want relationships; however, it was never a relationship with me.

Likewise, I’ve convinced myself that a short-term fling, a hookup, or something casual would inevitably turn into something more once they get to know me. Clearly not. Part of me is still insecure about my desire for something long-lasting and meaningful. I fear getting too emotionally slutty for someone who has only viewed the version of myself that I am on a good day.

Hence, here’s a glimpse into the latest version of my online dating profile. View at your own risk.

Am I the reason that my dating life is an absolute trainwreck? Maybe.

Do I sometimes go on bad dates and meet people who I’m entirely incompatible with just for the plot? As of late, probably yes.

To quote the Dalai Lama, “Sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”

If not for my turbulent dating life, I would have absolutely nothing to write about.