Words by: Jo 

Conventionally, gender roles have shaped the way people have sex.

From a young age, I was exposed to it through the media’s heteronormative depictions of men dominating women in the bedroom. So as a young woman, sex just seemed like something that would happen to me — kind of like a rite of passage into adulthood that I wouldn’t have any control over. From my limited understanding at the time, one person would have to be in charge, whilst the other person had to lie there in suspense and take it.

The images of sex that I was exposed to embody a significant power imbalance, and the reality of female pleasure was not something I was educated on. Plus, the messages in the media and societal beliefs stated that a sex positive man was normal; it was fine for men to talk about sex openly. On the other hand, a sex positive woman was unladylike, a slut, a whore; but if she refused to engage in sex she was a prude, and downright unfuckable. The older I got, I couldn’t help but wonder, ‘is there a way to redefine the roles we take on during sex?’

A turning point was when I learned these three terms.

TOP:

A person who ‘takes the lead’ or is dominant in a sexual dynamic. This can also refer to a ‘giving’ partner in a relationship; the sexual act is being done by them to another.

BOTTOM:

A person that prefers to take a more submissive role in a sexual dynamic. A popular term that is coined for this is being a ‘pillow princess’ — reinforcing the idea that being submissive is essentially feminine or associated with princesses. This is typically referring to a partner who is ‘receiving’; having the sexual act done to them by another.

SWITCH:

Someone who enjoys being both dominant and submissive, and is happy to explore being both. This can refer to both positionally, or in terms of receiving and giving sex acts.

The terminology of being a top, bottom or switch has origins in the Bondage Discipline/Dominance, Submission and Masochism (BDSM) community. The LGBTQIA+ community has its own interpretations and understandings of these roles, oftentimes with more fluidity and open mindedness than heterosexual people. These words have allowed us as a society to adopt a more nuanced understanding about sex outside of conventional gender stereotypes and binaries. Now that we are more exposed to inclusive depictions of sex in the media, including LGBTQIA+ representations, many people now see sexual dynamics as indeed dynamic— ‘normal’ looks different for everyone.

The idea of being a ‘switch’ was fascinating to me; I saw it as a way to be more fluid in my sexuality and to feel empowered to explore it freely with someone. Sexual preferences vary, and people should be free to be themselves during sex; whatever that looks like. The pressure to carry out a gendered role can be restrictive and harmful.

So, with consent and proper communication, explore whatever feels good for you. There shouldn’t be any expectation for your gender identity to determine how you should ‘act’ during sex.

I truly believe that pleasure should be a priority for all parties involved, whether it’s during a one-night stand, a friends-with-benefits situation, or in a serious relationship. It can be fun to be the one in control, or the one being submissive, or even alternating between both. Sex doesn’t have to feel like a performance, so don’t feel scared to express your needs to whoever you’re having sex with.

Trust me, the more open you are, the more fulfilling your sex life will be.