Words and Photography by: Jackie Zhou

I was born a little girl. My sex in my passport is labelled Female. I was raised as my mother’s daughter, and brought up in the world under the watchful and omnipresent male gaze.

Now I’m comfortable in my trans-masculinity, my non-binary identity, my way of existing that is outside of everything I previously knew about myself. So why the fuck am I so uncomfortable with my presentation as a sexual being?

Somehow, during the motions of sex, it’s not uncommon for my body to feel undesirable, my drive unquenchable, and my ego far removed. Despite willingly and acquiescently surrendering myself to my gender identity, being seen as a sexual person feels wrong and contradicting. In fact, I realised that being comfortable with my sexuality, when I’ve been raised to perform a very specific way my entire life, has been something I’ve been internally battling for a long time, and I still am. It’s something I fear I will endure for the rest of my life.

Gender dysphoria is not an uncommon term in this age, but I find it difficult to assign the feelings I have towards my body as dysphoric. My body has always felt like it belonged to me, since the beginning, and I never subscribed to the ideal of femininity. It wasn’t until I became fully engrossed in my non-binary identity when I began to feel a disconnect between my body and my brain.

Am I supposed to perform in a way that leans masculine? Feminine? Does it even matter? What feels good to me? I’m not sure. I should be sure though because I’m literally having sex right now and I don’t know what I’m fucking doing. Oh my God.

Physical intimacy has always been difficult for me as someone who has shied away from others my whole life, and so having my body be seen and desired is an incredibly difficult, heavily internalised issue. My flesh is apparently feminine, so I should behave in that way. But being non-binary, feeling sexy in femininity feels like I’m invalidating myself.

It wasn’t until recently when I realised that it shouldn’t.

Believing that I have to present and conform to the expectations of the male sex is still reaffirming the gender binary, the patriarchy, and everything that made my relationship with gender so toxic and repressive in the first place. Just because I’m assigned female at birth does not mean that I’m any less non-binary when I dress effeminate, enjoy my feminine features, or feel affirmed in my sexuality and my body.

My spindly arms, delicate collarbone and softer edges don’t make my gender identity any less authentic, and the way I perform and present shouldn’t determine the validity of who I am as a person.

Sex is still a very scary and new concept to me, and maybe it always will be. As my relationship with myself and my body changes and fluctuates, so too will my love and hatred for sex.

Nevertheless, I can’t wait to go on this journey and explore myself in ways only I can.