Confessions of Good People

Words by Hannah Schauder
Art by Liam Grant

We like to think that we are truly good people who act on the values and morals we’ve been taught. But what makes a ‘good’ person? No matter how polite, kind and selfless we try to be, we can’t escape the bad habits, hidden secrets, dark thoughts and guilty pleasures that haunt us daily.

Sometimes learning about other’s quirks can make us feel better about our own unconventional behaviours. So we investigated, Fleetwood Mac style, to find out people’s sweet little lies.

Royal Flush: I sit cross legged on the toilet sometimes. It feels like a touch of class while taking a dump.

Charles Muntz: I once screwed a guy in the cinemas during a kid’s movie. Pretty sure it was Up. Something was definitely inflated that day…

Reality Bites: I’m secretly obsessed with the Kardashians. With my friends, I pretend that I think they’re trash. But I have a secret Pinterest board that I use to plan my imaginary Kim K life.  

McLovin’: I need to be high in order to masturbate, but I masturbate so that I have an excuse to get high.

Chicken Little: I use the short urinals because it makes me feel like a big man.

Toilet Untrained: When I was three, I didn’t like using the toilet because I was scared of the loud flushing sound. So I decided to crap anywhere in the house. One day my aunt came over and sat on the couch. She noticed it felt weird. She looked down and saw my shit.

Snapped: I’ve recently discovered that I really enjoy cross dressing. Never thought I’d be into it until I started taking pictures of my ass.

Meow: I think dogs are overrated.

Grotesque: Ever since my best friend got fat I stopped wanting to hang out with her. It’s just that she went from being drop dead gorgeous to Fiona from Shrek in a matter of a year. 

That One Time at Band Camp: I watched the film American Pie when I was a virgin. Bought a pie, warmed it up and then went to town on it. It was fucking weird. I am fucking weird.

Chicken Teriyaki: I’m a pizza delivery driver and I intentionally say “enjoy” to every customer as I’m leaving because I think it’s funny when they say “you too”.

Beep Beep: My boyfriend cheated on me so I slashed his tires. Who’s really the bad person?

Snap, Crackle, Pop: I love ASMR. None of my friends and family would understand. I’d rather be caught watching porn than watching some woman whisper in her microphone shaped like a head with ears.

Blessed: My parents are devout Christians, so any sexual activity is off the cards until marriage. My girlfriend and I fuck on their bed every weekend they’re away.

Probably a Cancer: I pretend that I believe in astrology to fit in socially. That’s right, I don’t believe in shitty pseudoscience horoscopes but I’ll feed you poetry about how we’re “So CoMpAtIbLe As FrIeNdS” because we’re both water signs.

Trash: I accidentally threw away a plastic tray at a barbecue restaurant and didn’t do anything about it. Officers, take me away.

Puberty: I get intense satisfaction from popping pimples. Sometimes I have to restrain myself when I see a juicy one on someone else’s face.

Animal: I drink milk out of the bottle and then put it back.

Lucky you’re with AAMI: I once snuck out at 1am to drive my step dad’s car to visit my boyfriend while on my learners. The first mistake I made was that I put it in drive instead of reverse and hit a pole. I wasn’t even fazed and drove to my boyfriend’s house. After a couple hours in the car, the windows were fogged up from some extracurricular activities… and I didn’t know how to defrost the windows. So I ended up hitting another car’s mirror off. My stepdad saw it in the morning and assumed it was a hit and run so he got it fixed with insurance. He still has no idea it was me.

If you like Pina Coladas: I work as a bar manager and if a drunk patron annoys me enough, I’ll overcharge them for their drinks.

And as for me, I still play Club Penguin. No one’s perfect.